Author Archives: DEBBIE DRISCOLL

DIRECTOR | CLARK JOHNSON
STARRING | JASON LEE, ALFRE WOODARD
PRODUCER | GEORGE CLOONEY (SMOKEHOUSE)
PREMIER | TUE 6.22.10, 10PM TNT

Jason Lee, I get so tired of hating on you. And yet, here we are again. And all because you’ve decided to play a loose-cannon cop working the homicide beat in Memphis. Sigh.

Come on. What are you, Clint Eastwood? You know you’re Brendan Fraser at best, right? Watching you threaten to physically assault a suspect in custody is like watching Tim Gunn do the Soulja Boy dance. I couldn’t get into it, and I mostly felt sorry for you. I mean, if you have to play a cop, stick to your strengths, like standing around looking incredulous while an armed murderer’s pants fall down. Oh wait, that actually does happen. My bad.

You’ve got lots of good qualities, Jason. You’re affable … you can kind of sing, apparently … and you’re … um … affable. And there are a few scenes in this show that I thought really worked! Like the ones where you’re creepily intervening in your widowed mother’s love life. I totally bought that! Or the ones where you’re just standing around! Again: totally believable.

In fact, it’s not all bad news. You got Keb’ ‘Mo to do some music. That’s great. And someone on your staff knew that it was a good idea to use "Green Onions" three separate times in an hour-long show.

But listen: You’re not Kiefer Sutherland. There is no excuse for you to try to play "bad cop." Ever. I don’t care what your wife said last night. It’s not sexy, it’s just confusing.

STARRING | JEFF DUNHAM
STUDIO | COMEDY CENTRAL
RELEASE | 5.18.10

How dumb are you? If you answered "five," then read no further [Stop read! Go new Jeff Dunham movie disc! Blockbuster!—Ed]. If not, let’s give you a brief run-down.

Dunham is the last person in the world who uses puppets in his comedy routine. Once upon a time, these people were called ventriloquists, and they sat onstage with talking animals or small, talking people-dolls. I know what you’re going to say next: "Small, talking people-dolls?!?! Sign me up!" But, no, this was "ye olde parlour tricke." The person onstage was talking instead of the puppet, but, through some mind-blowing magic, the audience could not tell that the person, not the inanimate doll, was talking. If this sounds totally fucking stupid… that’s because it is.

Now imagine that the ventriloquist (or, if you prefer, the comedian who is talking without moving their lips) is a racist, ageist person with no sense of humor. That’s Jeff Dunham, and his new DVD collects 154 harrowing minutes of his routine. This routine includes Arab stereotypes like Achmed the Dead Terrorist, a bug-eyed skeleton with an Arab accent. We can also watch black stereotype Sweet Daddy Dee or Mexican stereotype José Jalapeño on a Stick. Ageists will roar at Walter, the grumpy old man stereotype (and Vietnam veteran, sigh) who always has his arms crossed [Shrapnel injury?—Ed]. "Peanut," a bald purple puppet with large lips exhibiting primitive traits, is supposedly not a stereotype.

Do we need to continue?

WEEKLY DISS

STARRING | KRISTIN CAVALLARI, AUDRINA PATRIDGE, HEIDI MONTAG, SPENCER PRATT
STUDIO | MTV
RELEASE | 4.27.10

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CHRISTOPHER POMERENKE
LIGHTYEAR
3.9.10

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DAVIS GUGGENHEIM
SONY PICTURES
12.22.09 Continue reading →

STARRING B.B. KING
SANDRA BOYNTON
WORKMAN PUBLISHING CO.
9.23.09

With Disney sing-a-longs for Wii and coloring books for 5-year-olds’ iPhones, what kid doesn’t want to see a shitty music video about B.B. King and sock puppets paired with a 59-page book reiterating the brain fart we just saw? Continue reading →

WALT DISNEY VIDEO | 2.3.09

The Dig got this in the mail and set it aside. I opened it, and, oh my god, inside were the cutest space puppy dolls I have ever seen. They each had a little space helmet, but one of the three puppies had no helmet. Continue reading →

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