Le Captain’s Log
Trash Humpers: A Cathartic and Hysterical Exercise in Trash Removal
It was about 11am on Wednesday when we realized we were chasing our tails. I have just taken over the entire distribution and the addresses I have are not matching up, and neither are the numbers.
“Fuck this”, I said to my assistant, “Let’s just get to the boxes we know exist”.
At this point, concerned Dig readers were starting to ring our phones off the hook wondering where the paper was.
This is not my style and if it’s an apology you want, well … I’ll make an exception here, since this paper is yours to read and mine to distribute.
Somehow over the last couple of years, these boxes have accumulated insane amounts of trash, they have been defaced, mangled, and many have gone missing into some sort of mysterious void. I don’t want to get into the details, but I will say, I am here to rectify this situation;to clean up the face of our paper and make our boxes something you want to put your hands into.
We pulled some homeless guys winter wardrobe and medicine cabinet out of the box over at the Aquarium stop, as well as filling a 32 gallon trash bag of the excrement that is left behind from commuters, bums and drunk and stoned college kids.
Is this completely their fault?
Why yes, as far as the homeless go, however, since the city does a feeble job at supplying trash receptacles in key areas, I guess it’s better to throw your shit in our boxes than on the ground.
This leaves the responsibility to your faithful narrator. It is not my job to clean up after people to this degree, but it’s inevitable as long as the city wants to bask the streets in trash without proper trash removal methods. I will empty my boxes and fill the bag, but that bag is not my burden so I left it snug next to the rest of the trash the city isn’t picking up in that area. If you expect me to clean shit, think again. I work in the publishing field, not trash removal.
I expect to get the route completely replenished over the next 2 weeks, and from there I will be adding more and more businesses to our distribution. Also, my concern is to get it done in a timely manner, so your patience will be needed if your not getting the Dig when you’ve been expecting it. All your concerns are welcome so never hesitate to get in touch with me and let me know if your encountering a problem getting the paper. You can always get us online but if you’re a print person, hold tight.
Over the last few weeks, I was confronted by a few friends who were concerned about my negative tone and off-color humor here in the Log. While two of them were able to see the satirical value of my character and angry accounts of being on the road, one had the misfortune of not wanting to accept not only my sense humor or my creative outlet, but decided to look past and reject who I am and how I perceive things. well, that friend is no longer on my honor roll. Their distaste for me and confrontational attitude clearly showed me that they could not process any of it, their system crashed and our friendship malfunctioned. The irony here is that the friend in question was being negative about my ways.
It doesn’t have to be this way, but as long as some take themselves too seriously, or aren’t willing to be the brunt of a joke, or even laugh at themselves, this may continue. The ones who can share a good laugh are the ones for me. Shit, if our days are numbered as the doomsday junkies insist, well I don’t want to be around people that are morbid and fearful because after all, living in fear is the death of perception.
I spoke with the Cunt of Comedy, Lisa Lampanelli last week about all this nonsense about how some are inept of laughter and how some would rather make the agreement of being offended over laughing or deciding to just ignore what doesn’t jive with them. I’ll leave you with her words:
“Never complain, never explain, and just move on. You’ll be explaining yourself the rest of your life. You have to be willing to take a joke and have the willingness to laugh at yourself and other people. There will always be complaining cunts since those people never take an apology correctly.”