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MANERISMS #16: AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY, GOD MADE MAN CHAIRS

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I want women to try something next time they walk into a clothing boutique with their S.O. in tow: instead of B-lining for that adorable cami dress hanging on the sale rack, pay careful attention to the store clerk.

She’ll be watching your man as he looks around and feigns interest in the various garments on display. His eyes will meet hers; she’ll smile, and then point him in the direction of what he’s really been looking for this whole time: the Man Chair.

Every women’s clothing store has one, and thank dear sweet baby Jesus for that.

The Man Chair serves several purposes, but is primarily used to rest our potentially weary legs. When entering a clothing store, men become immediately fatigued solely at the idea of how much time will be spent following our girlfriends through the clothing racks like a slow-moving, bipolar conga line. Our legs aren’t actually tired, but the magical obelisks located in every boutique’s stockroom that drain our energy and weaken our mental toughness make resistance near impossible, and so we must rest to regain our strength.

Also, the Man Chair provides a central location for our significant other to return to after trying on a dress so we can tell her how pretty she looks.

I’ve sat in dozens, maybe hundreds, of Man Chairs, in all shapes and sizes, from soft and plush, to fuzzy and firm, but there’s never been one Man Chair that’s made me want to return to that particular women’s clothing store. So this week, we’re going to build the ideal Man Chair, piece by piece, starting with…

The Seat Cushion
It needs to be heated, let’s just get that out of the way right now. You could plop me down on a goddamn lunch tray with a cardboard box flap as a backrest and I wouldn’t mind, as long as the lunch tray could keep my tuchas toasty.

I want to sink into the cushion a little, too, so let’s have it stuffed with down feather. The cover would be a nautical blue-dyed velvet, and there’d be a remote control for the ass massager I just tacked on to it.

The Seat Back
We’re going to get pseudoscience on this chair’s ass and say that the seat back, also stuffed with down, will have a bio sensor that detects what the optimum reclining angle is for our current stress level.

Let’s stick with velvet and the nautical blue color scheme for now, but toward the top of the cushion the cover fades into New Century Silver. Patriots colors, baby.


The Armrests
Armrests are to chairs as arms are to people – they’re wicked useful to have, and if you didn’t have them you wouldn’t be able to accomplish too many things in life.

Each armrest would be adjustable to the desired height, and dozens of microchips embedded into the chair would sense arm placement, allowing dual air pumps in each side piece to create a custom, miniature pillow perfectly contoured to one’s arm.

The left armrest would have a pull-out 22-inch LED flatscreen, while secret compartments in the right armrest would have spaces for the TV remote, drink holder (with beer koozie), and a small upright oven for cooking Paula Deen dinners and heating up leftover pizza.

Also, there’d be a pullout fridge on the left exterior side of the chair.

Once again, velvet, nautical blue fading into New Century Silver toward the top.

The Footrest
When it comes to footrests, I practically live like a homeless person – without one. In my entire two bedroom apartment, out of all the furniture I have, both the enormous couches I lounge on, there isn’t a single footrest to speak of. I have to physically drag over a chair from my kitchen table to my couch just so I have something to put my legs up on. It’s demeaning.

So on our ideal man chair, just having a footrest is comfort enough — but not interesting enough. Get this: fully automatic footrest, adjustable of course, and a special pair of extra thick, cozy socks to wear. Except the socks have wires on them. And where do the wires lead?

Back to the chair.
Because they’re massage socks.

Yeah, I just peed my pants, too.

Flight Capabilities
The chair can also fly.

Solace, I have found thee, and thy name is Man Chair.

Post your suggestions for ideal Man Chair accessories in the comments section!

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One Response to MANERISMS #16: AND ON THE SEVENTH DAY, GOD MADE MAN CHAIRS

  1. john says:

    This is the funniest thing I’ve ever read! I’d add a tool belt, a voice amplifier when I yell at my lady upstairs so she can hear me, a controller for the mower to cut the lawn, a filter that blocks out all the to-do-commands my girl tells me to do, an auto-reminder to send flowers and candy on my anniversary and the movie, Anchorman, popping up on my TV at 7pm every night.