LULZ 

THE TROLLEY TROLLOP: AN INCONVENIENT STABBING

knife baby

Man, what a week it has been. Steve Jobs passed away. The Occupy Boston movement is still going strong. Sarah Palin announced to no one in particular she’s not running for president, (only a mere three months after the rest of the country figured it out).

And on Wednesday, the Boston City Council infringed on the rights of children to casually purchase knives at convenience stores.

Oh wait. What’s that? You hadn’t about that last one?

Well, it seems that due to 1,300 stabbings by children high on sugar and Wiggles music over the past two years, the council is trying to crack down on this violence by pursuing an ordinance that would require convenience stores to have a license to sell knives.

This, naturally, brings up so many questions.

Just…so many questions…

1. Um…they don’t need a license now?

2. On a related note, why exactly are convenience stores selling knives again? Is there really anyone, regardless of age, who goes into such a store to pick up a Red Bull or perhaps a pack of smokes and thinks to themselves “oh yeah, and I really also need a knife. Like, NOW.”

3. Are there really enough convenience store clerks out there who care so little (or are just THAT stoned) that they have no qualms about selling a knife to someone wearing a Spiderman backpack?

4. Whatever happened to the good old days, where kids settled disagreements like gentlemen, stabbing their classmates with their handy No. 2 pencil, or in the cases of girls, hair pulling and ridiculously mis-aimed slaps?

Oh sure, maybe I’m over-reacting.

But I think it’s because of the wording going on here. When I hear “children” and “stabbing each other with knives,” suddenly I’m imagining playgrounds where kindergartners are shanking each other because the Dora the Explorer gang started raiding the illegal tater-tot turf of the Squarepants gang.

I mean, if they replaced “children” with “teenagers,” no big whoop. Teenagers have always been trying to kill each other, pretty much since the beginning of time. Wacky hormones and whatnot. Even in cavemen times, Oog would try to kill Gug because they both wanted to boink Uula over the head and drag her back to the basement in their parent’s cave.

But children? Come on. I think we can all agree that knife fights shouldn’t begin until at least seventh grade.

Maybe sixth grade, but only for the advanced juvenile delinquents.

About APRILL BRANDON

Freelance writer and columnist (fancy words for pretty much unemployed) and newbie to Boston. In her spare time, when she's not busy being pretty much unemployed, she likes to drink wine and write stalker-ish fan mail to Dave Barry. http://aprillbrandon.com
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