Confession: I have never gone trick or treating. Not even as a child. Consequently, no one has ever smelled my feet and as a result given me something good to eat (unless you count that weird hipster I dated for two weeks in college).
The reason why is a whole complex web of varying factors that range from the disparity of socio-economic status in association with rural Mid-western counties to the multi-faceted dichotomy between the Judeo-Christian view of good and evil. But to sum up:
My mom thought the Devil would eat me and we lived WAY out in the boonies.
Granted, it took years of therapy and Tootsie Roll hangovers to overcome this childhood trauma. But now, the woman you read before you can walk down the candy aisle in any store without peeing her pants and curling into the fetal position.
Which is why I’m so excited for my first Halloween in Boston. In addition to the timeless tradition of dressing up in an inappropriately slutty costume and binge-drinking, I also find great joy in handing out candy to the younger generations. And what makes the latter all the more better is…drumroll please…
Boston was ranked No. 2 in Zillow.com’s annual list of the best cities to trick or treat in.
(Suck it, Albuquerque!)
Now, this may seem counter-intuitive considering earlier this year, Boston was also ranked the No. 1 Meanest City in the U.S. And we have a reputation for having the most alcoholics per capita. And we’re also one of the most expensive places to live. Aaaaaand we are also consistently listed as one of the worst places to drive.
But do you know what mean, drunk, broke-ass, shitty Masshole drivers all have in common?
We fucking love kids. Especially kids dressed like Buzz Lightyear and slutty Dora the Explorer. And we show that love by overloading them with a crapload of sugary treats guaranteed to jumpstart early on-set diabetes but sans razors and/or poison.
I mean, we’re the city that come up with THIS unbelievably cheesy song for an anthem:
It just goes to show you. You can’t judge a city by statistics and in-depth scientific data.