LULZ 

BEAN COUNTER: VOLUME 13, ISSUE 45

NASA scientists are teaming up with the MBTA to investigate if the asteroid yesterday was created by the thousands of loogies spit at T employees hurtling through space. Meanwhile Occupy Boston haters are upset that the asteroid didn’t land on Dewey Square, so the homeless people camping there will stop using homeless services to take showers.

Nobel Prize winning physicist Norman Ramsey—whose work led to the creation of the atomic clock, died in Waylan, Massachusetts this past Friday, sometime between the hours of eightish and eleventeen. MINUS 1

The FBI is teaming up with the MBTA to create a DNA database from spitting assaults against T employees. In addition to being cross-referenced with DNA from known felons, the samples will eventually be incorporated for the top secret CODENAME: REVENGE-HAWK. PLUS DAS UBER-LOOGIE

The Macy’s Christmas Holiday-Type Season Tree was installed in Downtown Crossing this past Sunday. A spokeswoman said the store hoped the installation will drum up holiday cheer and distract from that whole “everything literally sliding straight into the bowels of Hell” feeling that’s been going around. PLUS 2

Occupy Boston protesters in Dewey Square have been accused of taking advantage of services meant for the homeless. Reminded that many of the protesters are the homeless, officials clarified, saying “Oh, we meant, uh, the really really homeless. Like, the super-homeless.” MINUS 4

The Mass Ave. Daddy’s Junky Music store was one of many branches abruptly closed this past week after the bankrupt company’s financier, GE Capital, claimed the stores’ entire inventory. ‘Cause people really don’t hate monied-folk enough right now. MINUS 10

Adele’s recent vocal chord surgery in Boston was fully successful, according to doctors. To treat the British singer, doctors at Mass General reportedly used a time-tested combination of surgery, physical therapy, and a bunch of leftover Tom Jones’ stem cells. PLUS 2

A large asteroid passed the planet at a shorter distance than that between Earth and the moon on Tuesday night. NASA reported that the object probably poses no risk for several more years, but that they can’t be 100 percent sure until they re-fill their “apocalypse-telescope” with “money-fuel.” EVEN

THIS WEEK’S TOTAL: MINUS 10

LAST WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 8

About SEAN CLANCY

"Time's glory is to calm contending kings, To unmask falsehood, and bring truth to light." - Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" "I gyve unto my wief my second best bed with the furniture." - Shakespeare, "Last Will and Testament."
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