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BOSTON 2011: YEAR IN REVIEW

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2011 was a great year for Boston, if only because Jersey Shore didn’t hold its 4th season here. But there were other highlights too. For instance, the New York Times voted us the 29th best city for duck-related tours. And let’s not forget that John Kerry was rarely in the news, which was a boon to all of us who dislike watching men who remind us, both in personality and looks, of oak trees.

Below is a timeline enumerating the most salient of these 2011 Boston events, as decided by a dedicated team composed of me and a couple of six packs. I think this calendar gives much credence to the argument that, at least for Boston, 2011 truly was the year that came between 2010 and 2012.

January

02: The Museum of Science closes its MC Escher exhibit after six tourists fall off the tour’s upside-down staircase.

07: The Massachusetts booze tax is lifted. Hipsters, now being able to afford better beer than PBR, celebrate by making their mustaches even more ironic.

12: Still reeling from a late December blizzard, Boston is bombarded by another Nor’easter. Kids everywhere, delighted by the soft cascading snow that beckons for frolicking and snowball fights, celebrate by playing Xbox for twelve straight hours.

February

09: In a historic bi-partisan vote, Democrats and Republicans in the Massachusetts Senate unanimously vote to raise their own salaries.

30: There is no February 30th, silly.

March

17: During this year’s St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, Bostonians show uncommon moderation by waiting until 3:00pm to black out.

22: The musical Hair comes to Boston, proving, once again, that naked hippies do not turn me on.

25: Boston bestows the Medal of Distinction upon the Red Line, which went a record 24 hours without a disabled train. T-operators everywhere celebrate by continuing to speak gibberish into the intercoms.

April

18: Geoffrey Mutai of Kenya wins the Boston Marathon with the fastest marathon time ever. However, the International Association of Athletics Federations said the time is not eligible for world record status, due to the elevation changes of the course and the fact Geoffrey was on a Segway.

24: In a touching, intense, and soul-wrenchingly close playoff series, the Celtics sweep the Knicks. State legislators celebrate by unanimously voting to raise their salaries.

May

11: South Boston resident Janna Awrich visits the Prudential’s Top of the Hub and comments, “I’m not really sure what people see in that place. It was crowded, didn’t have food, and was full of penguins.” Nobody has the heart to tell her she was actually at the New England Aquarium.

June

14: West Side Story opens in Boston. The Sharks are crushed after the Jets, late in the 2nd act, score a game-winning touchdown.

15: The Bruins win the Stanley Cup by defeating the Vancouver Canucks. Canadians in Vancouver respond by rioting in their own city, proving, once again, that Canadians are idiots.

18: Senator Scott Brown celebrates the 29th anniversary of appearing nude in Cosmopolitan by posing naked in Bloomberg Businessweek.

19: Both the Yoga & Chant Festival and the American Terminator Conference are held. Mayhem ensues when attendees at the former enter the grasshopper pose.

July

04: A study is released showing that due to Miller Brewing Co’s pervasive 4th of July marketing, 43% of Braintree middle-schoolers believe Miller Lite was a Founding Father.

11: Thanks to the beautifully warm weather, Revere Beach gets a lot of traffic. Fortunately, the DEA shuts it down quickly.

28: The Patriots pick up Chad Ochocinco, who soon changes his name to Chad UnoSeiteSeiteCinco, the historic Bostonian year that Paul Revere bravely rode through Massachusetts tweeting obnoxious thoughts.

August

14: Many boys report that their summer lovin’ happened too fast.

15: Students return to the city in droves. Consequently, bars are crowded, Zip Cars are sold out, and car traffic grinds to a halt, since students love slowing down to honk and wave at just about anybody, including friends, high priests, and crosswalks.

27: Bostonian Dima Tokar sees a Red Sox game for the first time. Delighted by the experience, Dima said, “Wow, we look so good. Only way to not make playoffs now would be for the Yankees to excel, the Rays to get lucky, and us to have the biggest collapse in baseball history.”

September

18: Facebook introduces the top right ‘News Ticker’ feature, prompting thousands of complaints. Says Brighton-resident Mark Strout, “I thought it was stupid, but, like, without the feature, I doubt I would have found out that Bob Mussett enjoys listening to Chumbawamba on Spotify, especially since I’m not sure who Bob is.”

23: Fall officially descends upon Boston, crushing thousands as it lands.

23: Fashion week begins, and Calvin Klein announces its new Cambridge Fall Line, which is an outfit consisting of a Harvard t-shirt, designer jeans, and an unnecessary condescension toward those who don’t watch Modern Family.

24: Union Square holds the 2011 Fluff Festival, in celebration of the man who invented Fluff marshmallow paste. The festival is quite a blast, although it disappointed many people who assumed it would just be a mindless, empty experience.

2011 Fluff Festival
by: FluffFest

October

15: Fresh Ink Theatre, a new and ridiculously talented local theater group, offers me $50 worth of tickets to plug them in an article. I, recognizing that this jeopardizes my journalistic neutrality, politely decline.

29:  A freak October snowstorm casts a pall over Halloween weekend parties when the cold forces hundreds of females to forgo their slutty policewoman costumes for something a little warmer, such as their slutty animal costumes.

November

 
05:  South Boston files for official secession from Boston, quoting irreconcilable differences such as, “the annoying habit those Northeners have of being all polite and actively not insulting each other.” When pressed about an official motto, South Boston responded with: “South Boston – Go f*@k yourself.”

24: It’s Thanksgiving, and Boston gives special thanks to that iconic Bostonian legend and historical figure who gave so much hope to the city; namely, Tim Thomas.

December

14: Local Somerville resident Michael Fisher walks the Freedom Trail for the first time. Afterwards, he was heard to say, “Didn’t work. Still married.”

31: The city will say a teary goodbye to 2011 and start preparing for 2012, that fated year the Mayans predicted would be the cataclysmic end of the entire Jersey Shore cast.

After looking back on 2011, it’s hard not to wonder what 2012 will bring.  Will this be the year for the Boston Bruins, who haven’t won the Stanley Cup in over 180 days? Will the Boston Whale Tours finally be worth their price? Will John Kerry continue to shed his leaves every Fall?

Only time will tell, and, in the meantime, let’s usher in 2012 with poise, grace, and lots of really cheap champagne. Happy New Year!


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About CHRIS SHUPTRINE

Chris Shuptrine is a weekly columnist whose high-quality, hard-hitting journalism remains wholly absent from his articles.
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One Response to BOSTON 2011: YEAR IN REVIEW

  1. Colorful Colorful says:

    Happy New Year and wish everyone good luck in 2012!