Charlie Sheen locked a hooker in a closet. Amy Winehouse died and Adele stole her career. A bored housewife made a YouTube vid, and pretended that her 7 month old babies poured flour all over her trailer home.
The Louis Vuitton stork put a fetus inside of Beyonce’s uterus – congrats, girl.
The Boston Bruins won the Stanley cup for the first time in, like, forever – in response to the loss, Vancouver thought that it would be super-fun to destroy their own city. (Drunks are soo overly emotional, amirite?)
We met Arnold Schwarzenegger’s secret 48-year-old son, Pippa Middleton’s round ol’ apple bottom, and JWOWW’s new face!
The Denver Broncos became a giant Christian prayer circle. And Donald Trump annoyed the fuck out of the human race. Again.
It was a seriously fun year – unless your employer was Borders. RIP.
According to some ancient Mayan dudes, 2012 is destined to be a pretty wild time. After consulting several titillating pie charts, the Farmers’ Almanac, and Lindsay Lohan’s Playboy spread – we are so fo’ sho’ that 2012 will consist of the following:
The Occupy movement will officially end. After months and months of protesting and being angry, the 99% will put political stuff aside and will opt to occupy movie theaters when Paranormal Activity 4 is released.
After growing tired of eating prunes and playing Keno 24/7, retired broadcasters Regis Philbin and Larry King will star in their own reality television show. They will become the best of frenemies when they move to Miami to open a posh boutique. Viewers fall in love with Regis because, like, he’s the funny one. But Larry’s totally the best tweeter.
Herman Cain will join Two and a Half Men as “the neighbor who loves to hug and grope.”
A lonely Utah family will upload a video of a box of Raisin Bran accidentally spilling onto a French bulldog. The video will go viral. The dog and the box of Raisin Bran will appear on The Ellen DeGeneres Show. America laughs and laughs and laughs. Eventually the dog eats the box of Raisin Bran.
Al Roker will adopt Raven-Symoné – just because it seems like a picture perfect scenario.
After owing her attorneys, like, a shitload of money in legal fees – Lindsay Lohan will finally become completely broke. Unable to work in Hollywood—because everyone hates everything about her—she will take a waitressing job at Hooters under the assumed name, “Dina Lohan.”
Words With Friends will become a major motion picture starring Meryl Streep and Denzel Washington. Shortly after losing her lover in a plane crash in Belize, Streep’s character will learn that “vy” is not a playable word. The film wins a Golden Globe.
Hugh Hefner will continue to live.
Teen Mom will be cancelled. The teen moms go back to doing what they do best: participating in unprotected sex, text messaging and flunking their online classes. It’s like, seriously Amber, just crack open a book for like 20 secs a day. Ugh, teen moms are super stubborn.
Charlie Sheen and Paris Hilton will procreate with one another. World explodes. We die.
Read more nonsense from Chris Carpenter at CARPLIVE.