LULZ 

BEYONCE GIVES BIRTH … 2 A DIVA

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Hey, did you hear?

Beyoncé and Jay-Z reproduced over the weekend! They birthed a baby girl. Beyoncé did most of the work – because she has a vagina and stuff. They named their young lass Blue Ivy – not to be mistaken with the more popular baby name, Turquoise Shrubbery.

Upon Blue’s arrival, the world stopped briefly … cuz she told it to, girl!

Some humans—mainly E! News—acted as if the delivery was the second coming of Christ. According to Blue, it was.

Blue is only like 3 days old or something, but she’s already proving to be a take-charge diva just like Aretha Franklin and Jeremy Piven. Within her first short 3 days of life, Blue has accomplished more than most 57-year-old calculus professors.

She has been featured on her dad’s new track, “Glory.” Because newborns cannot speak English nor harmonize melodies – Blue’s guest vocals consist of shrieks and cries. Her feature is quite magical, if you’re a fan of screaming babies.

The Empire State Building was lit up blue shortly after Blue’s debut onto planet Earth. FYI, Blue made this demand via Skype before she departed from Beyoncé’s uterus.

She received a personalized shout out tweet from Gwyneth Paltrow. (Um, the best tweet we’ve gotten was a generic “lol” from Drew Carey. Rad?)

Best yet, she’s also outraged common folk. Tons of them. Sick ones, even!

Blue’s parents reportedly booked an entire floor in the maternity ward at New York City’s Lenox Hill Hospital.

A rude security team was also on hand to secure things – and they were bossy, reportedly. Hospital spokespeople have denied the claims but patients at the hospital are all, “Oh no she didn’t!”  Blue remains unphazed by the heat – she wanted to arrive in style and homegirl’s demands were met.

Few will recall that Beyoncé is not the first Knowles sister—or human, for that matter—to give birth. Beyoncé’s younger sister, Solange, gave birth to her son Daniel in 2004. Daniel received no special Empire State Building lighting and no tweets from Academy Award winners. (IDK – was Twitter even around back then?) Rather, his celebratory welcome was quite modest. Someone in Houston, TX shot off a bottle rocket and screamed, “Yayyyyy! Congrats!”

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