Hey! Have you heard! There’s a football game Saturday! The biggest football game in the world!!! WHICH WILL PIT JESUS HIMSELF AGAINST THE EVIL FORCES OF GOOD-LOOKING, SUPERMODEL-BANGING HERETICS!
Oh…oh, wait…I’m sorry. It appears it’s just the Broncos playing the Pats. My bad. Guess I should have known better than to get all my sports news from Twitter, Facebook and my super-religious cousin Wally.
OK, I knew when I moved to Boston part of the deal was that I had to acknowlege football existed and that upon entering the state of Massachusetts I was legally obligated to at least fake that I was rooting for the Patriots. But trust me when I say that with this upcoming game, there will be no need to fake it.
I want Tim Tebow and the Broncos destroyed.
Now, personally, I have no problem with Tim Tebow. I don’t hate Tim Tebow. He can thank or give credit to whoever he wants for his wins. Hell, he could pour pasta sauce all over himself while on the field in a show of gratitude to the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster in the Sky for his team’s latest field goal and I wouldn’t care (although I would find him a much more interesting person). Jesus helps you win, Tim? Well, more power to ya’, chief. Glad He could take the time out of His busy schedule dealing with those depressing requests from cancer patients and soldiers in battle to give a brother a hand.
No, I don’t hate Tim Tebow. I hate Tim Tebow fans.
I hate all the people who view him as the second-coming of Christ, except only better, cause he plays FOO’BALL! The people who think that every time he wins, an atheist gets his demon horns. The ones that say it’s “dangerous” to make fun of Tim Tebow and mock his faith, even though he’s a public figure and he’s the one who first made his religion a major part of his persona.
Now, maybe, MAYBE, I could understand all this hoopla if Tim Tebow kicking ass on the field was miraculous. Like, if he sucked at football, or only had hooks for hands. But he’s not even an underdog. He’s no five-foot nuthin,’ hundred-pound nuthin’ Rudy. The dude is a good athlete. He won a Heisman, for Great Flying Spaghetti Monster sake. I may not know a lot about football, but to me it seems skill is probably a bigger factor when the Broncos win than Tebow’s Christian faith.
So, I don’t really understand this jumping on the “Jesus is literally standing behind Little Timmy on the field and helping him win” bandwagon.
But what I hate the most about Tebow fans is that they are the reason I even know about Tebow at all. They won’t freaking shut up about him. And because they won’t shut up, the media now won’t shut up about him.
And because the media won’t shut up, the critics and skeptics now won’t shut up.
So, come Saturday, two things will happen: 1. I will be hardcore daydrinking (which I find makes watching FOO’BALL! much more fun) and 2. cheering my ass off for the Patriots. If only because I don’t want my Twitter feed yet again filled with Tebow-related updates and Twitpics of Jesus’ supposed face on the left boob area of a Bronco cheerleader’s uniform.
And to be honest, I’m not too worried. Because even Jesus himself said, “If I’m the son of God, then Tom Brady has to be his nephew”: