LULZ 

FOR THE GLUTTONOUS AND SLOTH-LIKE

Here, an ode to the demigod Boston-Marathon runners who stand at the apex of perfection. And, of course, what the rest of us lazy a$$holes can and should be doing on Monday. (Runner reppin’ dA 516! Nassau County act LiKe y0u knowww)

Since the third Monday of the fourth month of the year 1897, hundreds of thousands of spectators have celebrated the heroic battles of Lexington and Concord by cheering on the elite and slightly-less-than-elite participants of the gallant Boston Marathon, the world’s oldest annual marathon. These participants are primo examples of the excelling human condition;

models of the evolution of man, the hunger for triumph and the thirst for the finish line (and Gatorade).

They dedicate their lives to training and pushing their demigod bodies beyond what was once thought possible. They are the few, the proud, the runners.

For these over 25,000 Boston-Marathon participants, or at least those 21+, there is the Post-Race Party at Fenway and the House of Blues at 7:30pm. For all us gluttonous and sloth-like under achievers, here’s how we can rejoice Monday night. (Because I know you need more event posts.)

1.) Use this day off of work and school as an opportunity to meticulously construct a villanelle (or haiku, if you must) to demonstrate to your ‘rents how much you cherish the love of family.

2.) Drink heavily…anywhere.

3.) Drink heavily + chow down on $8.99 all-you-can-fit-in-your-mortal-stomach wings @ SoulFire in Allston, 5-11pm

4.) Engage with Literary Firsts (TBA) literary reading @ Middlesex Lounge, 7pm

5.) Kangaroo-the-fuck-out to The Jezebels w/ Benjamin Francis Leftwich and Imagine Dragons @ Brighton Music Hall, 8pm

6.) Bootay Bounce to Dev w/ Outasight and Wynter Gordon @ Middle East Downstairs, 7:30pm

7.) LOL LMFAO HAHA ROFLCOPTER at Repentance: A Night of Comedy @ Church, 8pm

8.) Powerade your mind to Bad Brains w/ H20 @ The Paradise, 7pm

9.) And finally, since Monday will ultimately force the word “marathon” to loom and doom around the corners of our souls like Hey Arnold’s creepy breather Brainy, just succumb to the voices and see Marathon Boy @ The Brattle Theatre, 8pm.

About LYSSA GOLDBERG

No A. Put the A in, and you die.
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3 Responses to FOR THE GLUTTONOUS AND SLOTH-LIKE

  1. Can I just say how much I love how HUGE this photo is on the homepage? lmfao

  2. LYSSA GOLDBERG LYSSA GOLDBERG says:

    HAHA It is extremely large. And slightly terrifying.

  3. TK TK says:

    Finally, a list I can get behind!