LULZ 

BEAN COUNTER: VOLUME 4, ISSUE 21

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Comcast is rumored to be testing their latest cable box in Boston following an industry get-together at the Boston Convention & Exhibition Center this past Monday. Insiders report the device is internet-enabled and “based on that green glowy shit in Batman Forever.” EVEN

State health policy now allows pharmacies to administer additional adult vaccines beyond the standard flu shots. Approved treatments include vaccines for measles, tetanus and, just for kicks, “The Red Death.” PLUS 3

Cambridge-based Zipcar announced the expansion of their new “Zipvan” service to Chicago. According to the company, Zipvan is a service for “the person who needs a van quick, then needs it gone even quicker.” PLUS 1 UNSOLVED HOMICIDE

Massachusetts unemployment fell to 6.3 percent in April, the lowest since October 2008. That said, the most new jobs created have been in the fields of “jobless rate statistics” and “cheeky joke news columns.” PLUS 6

A Jamaica Plain man and two others were arrested after allegedly shoplifting from a South Shore Plaza Macy’s after employees found broken tags and security ink stains in the dressing room. Said one employee: “As far as dressing room stains go, these are the good kind.” MINUS 2

The town of Littletown, New Hampshire has a beaver flooding problem. The town faces waterlogged trails and streets, and is working around the clock to coin a “beaver flooding” innuendo that makes sense. MINUS 1

THIS WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 7
LAST WEEK’S TOTAL: PLUS 2

About SEAN CLANCY

"Time's glory is to calm contending kings, To unmask falsehood, and bring truth to light." - Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" "I gyve unto my wief my second best bed with the furniture." - Shakespeare, "Last Will and Testament."
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