FASTER, HIGHER, DRUNKER: THE ALLSTON OLYMPICS

Because otherwise we’d never be world class athletes.

Every four years, the citizens of Allston put aside their political and economic differences to celebrate individual and team ability, to engage in the glory of sportsmanship among residents of different streets, and, just like the real Olympics, to drown its audience in product placement (Narragansett, I’ll let you know where to send the check).

In the track and parking lot corner of this year’s games stand two of Allston’s finest, DigBoston‘s own Lyssa Goldberg and Emily Hopkins, who will face off in five events that will lead one competitor to glory, one to defeat, and both to being kind of buzzed.

Behold: the glory of the Allston Olympics!

The first event of the day is the 16-oz Sprint in which the women will race to the bottom of a Narragansett. Both competitors went to the same undergrad, meaning it’s very likely that their training was similar for this event.

Hopkins seems to get a great head start–her can is almost horizontal right out of the gate. She also carries a huge advantage in size: Measuring up at a whopping six feet tall, she towers over the competition.

Goldberg is really pushing through the effervescent pain of those cold bubbles tickling her nose and her throat. If anyone ever doubted this petite team of one, they are sure to be regretting it now.

Now, you can see how her form is really helping her here. Whereas Hopkins is really using a lot of her hand to gesticulate and really convey what that lager feels like to drink so quickly, Goldberg has a nice tight grip on her can–less wasted energy, and it brings the beer up from being ice cold.

And it is a landslide victory for Goldberg!

Look at the curve she makes as she finishes off that brew, from elbow to wrist, from mouth to neck, she has quenched that thirst for victory in round one.

The next two events are throwing events, and the odds of winning are really 50-50 between the competitors.

Many of you who live on the second or third floor of a house or apartment building in Allston will recognize this next event. The Junk Javelin. From the second floor porch, our athletes must either drop or throw a bag of trash into the dumpster that sits below–a common practice of college students who cannot be bothered to go down the stairs.

Following this event is the Crushed Can Discus. Those same cans we saw used in the first event have been repurposed–crushed into small flat discs our competitors will throw.

It seems home court advantage even means something during the Olympics; Hopkins takes both events!

With the score at 2-1, Golberg will need to take this next event–Texting While Walking–in order to keep the competition going. This particular event is extremely dangerous, especially at such a high skill level: Not only will our Olympians have to text and hold a beer while they walk through a small obstacle course, but they will also be using a cell phone, a notoriously difficult device to navigate while ~~multitasking~~ drunk. Goldberg stays cool and calm throughout the course but–OH, HOPKINS DOESN’T EVEN FINISH. She seems to have injured herself in some way or at least is milking it for whatever sympathy points she can get.

This is going to mean a huge deduction for Hopkins, as well as humiliation and possibly an infection from that disgusting Allston street she is lying upon. Goldberg is victorious and ties the game.

Our final event of the evening comes in the form of the Trash High and Long Jump: a combination of the two traditional track and field competitions, but urbanized with the realistic happenstance of trash spilling over the side walk.

Hopkins goes first; her form is great, she gets just high enough to clear the can without sacrificing any energy from propelling her forward. She avoids stepping in the pile of trash on both ends of the jump. This is going to be one tough contest.

Hopkins has really had numerous advantages, and while dexterity and endurance are not some of them, her height has really made it easy on her.

Goldberg is up. She takes her strides and–

OH SHE JUST BARELY FALLS SHORT OF HOPKINS’S MARK.

Well, just barely doesn’t mean jack shit in the Olympics. Hopkins is the champion.

When asked about her victory, Hopkins had this to say:

“Well folks. It has been a long two hours of the Allston Olympics. We trained, like, through all of college to do this shit: to be the best, to drink the fastest, to jump the farthest without falling. We could all take a really big lesson away from this, besides our sponsor’s message to “Have a ‘Gansett.” And the message is this: Allston is a nice place to come together, to share time and, yes, have a cold one. To do silly things, to have fun in the name of peace and happi–