I had a whole piece written and it’s the day before this goes up, so why not trash everything I’ve done so far and start over? Why not fly by the seat of my pants, focus on crap I can’t change, and just be completely honest?
I like a guy and yes, I’ve attempted to make it known and either he’s completely clueless, completely not interested, or a nervous mess like me and has no idea what to do.
I probably should have learned these things during puberty--but I didn’t. I’m sure a normal person would grab the bull by the horns and would just say, ‘Hey Fucko! Want to go out to dinner or do something fun that I’m sure we’ll end up regretting at some point in our life?’ But that would be too easy and since I’m a neurotic mess, you get blogs like this.
I’ve been sitting on my feelings for some time now and hoping they’d calm down and they did. But I ran into the gentleman in question last week and it was like a punch in the gut. But as awkward as it was to run into him, I looked damn good. So I had that going for me. I knew there was a reason I saved that outfit. The clothing selections were awesome, nice loose ponytail and even the fiercest competitor on RuPaul’s Drag Race would have approved of the makeup. Now, usually when this stuff happens -- I look a holy hot mess. But I looked good, I felt good and he still turned me into a stuttering, muttering ass.
In a way, I was happy when I was (for lack of a better term) cock-blocked by a mutual friend. At least I had a couple minutes to reboot and get my confidence level to where it should have been, but he was already occupied by the time I was ready to talk again. It’s weird. When it was low key and just us shooting the shit -- we had no problems.
But as soon as I admitted to myself what was going on and thought maybe he felt the same way, it got weird.
I didn’t tell anyone in that circle, please-why would I want to share my feelings with someone? No good can come of that. If I did that, then he’d find out and then it would lead to disappointment and then I’d be miserable and probably think it’s a good idea to go out and drink and as someone who can’t hold that liquor -- no good can come out of that. Depressed drinking always ended with me having a dick in my mouth. I know there are worse things I could have done, but my knees aren’t what they use to be.
So yeah, I blew whatever opportunity I had…again. What’s that you say? Again?
That would mean this happened before, Cameron…do tell!
This was one of my finest flubs…I think. We were talking and we were being brutally honest and I was sharing personal stuff and he was being honest about his habits and weird stuff he does, after a little bit he blurted out he doesn’t usually share a lot with people and this is where I should have said, ‘….but you’re sharing now.’ and followed it up with some wise tale and then we’d have sex on whatever flat surface we could find.
No. No, dumbass McGillicutty decided it would be a good idea to say: ‘Yeah, I’m the same way. People are assholes. So you’re just better off keeping shit to yourself.’ He just scowled and cut me off and the topic changed. He threw me a pitch right down the center and when it hit the sweet spot, swing and a miss.
*bangs head* I’m still trying to figure out how I don’t have a dent in my forehead.
The second blown opportunity was when a large group of us out for dinner. I took my seat and guess who sat next to me? We barely talked the entire time. It just got weird and the conversation felt forced.
I have no game and I don’t want to say I don’t have confidence, because I do. But situations like this are so foreign to the kid. I don’t know what to do or how to handle it. Most of my relationships in the past were based on sex and oddly enough, I’m cool with that situation. I’m better with being used as a human trash receptacle, than expressing my interest in a guy. Because that’s healthy.
You what to know what I think? You want to share a serious moment? Wouldn’t you rather just finish on my face?
Yes, why deal with emotions and want to be loved when you can just pretend to be a vacuum cleaner and suck the seed out of them?
So yeah, I need to work on a few things, if you haven’t figured that out yet. Believe me, I don’t like it. It’s annoying and if I could just snap my fingers and have the confidence I’m lacking -- I’d be a happy girl. But this is the shit I’m working through right now.
I’m going to pull the curtain back and share. I see a shrink and I think I’m better. Not perfect, but where’s the fun in that?
But getting out of fat-girl head space is a full time job.
Anyways, back to last week. I ran into him for the first time in couple months and it was another bucket of fail. What really kills me, I had kind of gotten him out of my head-well, I had stopped stressing over missed opportunities and then he pops up again. So for almost a week, on top of my usual work nonsense I need to stress about-he’s back on my brain.
A part of me has accepted nothing is going to happen, but there’s still the positive douche that lives insides me who thinks something will and he’s going to do all of the dirty work and all I’ll have to do is say ‘yes’ and swallow.
Hey Boss, please trademark: ‘Say ‘YES’ & Swallow.’
I think I want to use that one day for something. Last thing I need is to fight some scallywag for it.
So I don’t know what to do. I don’t know when I’m going to see him next, I was supposed to this week-but it’s looking like it’s not going to happen. I thought about being a creep and searching for him on Facebook, but that would be weird and I’d feel like a stalker. I’d like to go through life without having someone file a restraining order.
Honestly, if he wanted to get in touch with me, it’s not like he doesn’t know how. So I think it’s safe to say he doesn’t and I’m probably barking up the wrong tree. So I should just ignore how I feel and call it a day. There’s no good that’s going to come from it.
If anything, I’m going to get hurt again, so why put myself through so much emotional turmoil over something that’s probably never going to happen?
But, for whatever reason, there is a positive person that lives inside of me (I really need to evict her) and she wants something nice to happen (‘WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYTHING NICE HAPPEN?’ -Louis CK…it always comes back to that bit.). Even if we go out once and it’s the worst date known to mankind, I want to have that moment. Just to say that I took a risk and it sucked. But I’d be happy that I found out on my own and not sit around, like I am now, wondering what could have been.
Believe me; I want to punch myself in the face when I have these moments. It’s like I’m going thru puberty again. I didn’t like it the first time, why the Christ do I want to do it now? It’s funny, losing almost 300 lbs. was far easier than dealing with my feelings and emotions. As much as I enjoyed being trampy, I didn’t. I had fun, don’t get me wrong. But it’s no way to live your life. I still have no idea how I’m clean. I had a ton of blood work recently and they did the STD check, I was shocked it came back negative for everything. Christ, I was a whore.
Yet another reason I could never have a meaningful relationship with this guy: the last thing I want to do is sit him down and tell him everything. I don’t think I remember everything.
Correction: I don’t think I want to remember everything.