LULZ 

DEAR READER: POLONIUS’S ADVICE TO LAERTES … VIA J.PAT

dear-reader

I was going to write the oh, cruel world! this week. But then I wrote this instead.

Dear Me,

Stop doing the bad things you are doing. Unless they feel good. Then, do them moderately.

Bad things that don’t feel good? You gotta cut that shit out.

Like procrastinating. Send letters. Apply for healthcare. Keep receipts. These are easy things to do, and you gain nothing by not doing them.

So stop it. Or do it.
You get where I’m going with this.

Don’t feed the parts of you that are better unfed. There are things that you can do nothing about that will make you angry if you think about them. The momentary satisfaction of righteous, impotent rage isn’t worth the 20 minutes you spent sifting through that comments section. You know what you could have been doing instead?

Anything else. Try that next time.

Do some sit-ups. Don’t drink more than three drinks a night every night. Do buy a decent pair of shoes because it’s a good investment and come on, if you can afford three drinks a night, you can afford shoes. Don’t forgive. Well, okay, do forgive, but a reasonable number of times. Like, five or six. Then it’s all on them.

Sincerely,

Boring Asshole


About J. PAT

J. Pat is the Dig's Editor. He will send you an email with an exclamation point in it.
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