KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.
Dear Ken and Ariel: Last month, I went to a post-work beer bash and ended up going home with a girl from the office. She was definitely not one of my prouder conquests, but we were both drunk and had a good time. Since then, she’s been e-mailing me regularly looking for a repeat performance. The other day, she got transferred to my department, literally sitting two cubes down from me. Am I screwed?
KEN SAYS: In a word: Yes.
Dude, there’s a reason your grandfather told you to never fish off the company pier. The old man knew his shit.
While figuratively screwing your coworkers can land you in a world of trouble, literally screwing them can reduce your career to ashes faster than being found naked in the office elevator wearing clown make-up and holding an ice-cream scoop. Believe me when I tell you that the risk is far too enormous to even contemplate.
For one thing, there’s the potential for reputation obliteration. Gossip travels fast through corporate rest rooms and cubicles, my friend, and once you start banging your coworkers, you might as well be posting your exploits on Facebook.
Do you really want your boss to know your innermost sexual quirks, whether they include doling out drunken rimjobs or dressing up your cock in a tiny pilgrim hat? (Which is not as festive as it sounds, trust me.)
And how much pull can you expect to have with your colleagues once they learn about your struggles with whiskey dick? Even worse—especially since you note the chick wasn’t one of your “prouder conquests”—do you want them thinking you’re a bottom feeder?
Second, there’s always the chance that, as you’ve painfully discovered, you’ll end up working in the same department. Trust me when I say that nothing makes a Monday morning meeting more awkward than sitting across from a coworker who was munching on your balls a scant 36 hours earlier.
My advice is to sharpen the resume, hit up everyone you know on LinkedIn,
and find a new place of employ that doesn’t require you to make small talk around a water cooler with someone whose ass you’ve worn like a catcher’s mask.
And if you do find yourself compelled to get busy with someone from the office, might I suggest an intern? They’re usually young, hot, good for about six appletinis during post-work drinking sessions, and eager to make an impression on anyone who might be able to catapult their position in the company. The bonus here is that interns typically have little or no pull, and they’re usually gone once September hits. Just watch out for the old “piss in the coffee” routine; once you’ve banged and scorned an intern, you probably have to start pouring your own.
Oh, and one more thing: “Post-work beer bash”? Are you motherfuckers hiring?
ARIEL SAYS: On the bright side, this all happened in the privacy of her place and not on the mailroom floor. Trust me, that’s a security cam video you don’t want to be reviewing with your boss the next day.
That said, you’ve still got a problem. Before she starts sending erotic poetry involving you, her and a copier toner cartridge on company email, I would nip it right quick by keeping interactions to a minimum.
Be friendly, be polite and be a very, very busy professional who just doesn’t have time for chit-chat. Or anything else that involves dropping your pants.
Assuming she’s not psychotic, she’ll probably get the hint. Yes, it will be awkward and yes, you’re probably going to feel like an asshole. But if “post-work beer bashes” are part of the corporate culture, your current job might only be a temporary concern anyway.
Oh, and from the tone of your letter, I assumed you didn’t want a repeat performance.
If you do, then just do the exact opposite of everything we said.