KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.
Dating is a lot like root canal surgery in that it can be pretty fucking painful and usually works best when it involves a mask, a spit basin and at least one person lying back on a chair with his or her mouth pried open. Still, it beats sitting around a dark apartment watching Tyler Perry movies and washing Entenmann’s fudge cakes down with Irish whiskey. Most of the time, anyway.
With 2012 in the rearview, we wanted to share some personal thoughts and observations derived from a year’s worth of sometimes awesome, sometimes slam-your-balls-in-the-car-door awful dating.
May our experiences serve as valuable reference for you in 2013.
5. Always hold doors for women. Car doors, bar doors, barn doors. Your dad was right; just do it.
4. Avoid crazy. Like most guys, I am a fucking slave to a hot body. Doesn’t matter if the woman’s taking Jaegermeister intravenously or threatening to lay some cop’s cheek open with a smashed beer bottle; if she’s packed into a tight skirt, I’m all in. At least I was. After a girl I brought to a family barbecue cold-cocked my cousin during an argument over—of all things—fluoride, I’ve been forced to re-evaluate my priorities. And accept that life provides enough drama without having to find it in my mates.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, date someone you work with. Unless you’re okay with every woman in Finance knowing about the odd, possibly masturbation-induced curve of your pecker.
2. Long-distance relationships suck. The only time a long-distance relationship is a good thing is when you’re wobbling though last call at the local pub and some BU chick is crying in her beer about how her boyfriend who’s taking a semester in Peru just doesn’t seem to care anymore. That’s when you, fueled by dollar drafts, slide to the rescue, giving her an ear to bend and a face to sit on until Peru guy sails back. The downside, of course, is being Peru guy, staring wistfully into the South American skies while your girl’s servicing half the lacrosse team back home. Always buy locally, if you catch me.
1. Guys, there’s just no excuse for not eating pussy.
5. Texting, like masturbation, is perfectly healthy and normal. However, there is a time and a place for it. Do you text? OMG, me 2! It may be a lazy form of conversation, but I enjoy it because it makes me sound insanely witty, snarky and intellectual. (And that’s because I look up the big words and insert more pop culture references than a typical episode of Family Guy.) However, texting should not be the only form of communication in a relationship, just as constant masturbation in lieu of sex would be grounds for a breakup (or, depending on your choice of locale, possible jail time). The other cardinal sin? Text-message break up. That’s like leaving your jizz socks around for mom to pick up.
4. When online dating, tell who you ARE, not who you want to be. Sure, I’d love to be Kate Upton with the gymnastic verve of Gabby Douglas and the credit score of Suze Orman. Unfortunately, I’m a broke blogger with zero flexibility who’s more likely to be mistaken for Keith Urban. But at least you’ll discover that by perusing my pics and profile, not 18 emails, seven phone calls and a bazillion texts later when we FINALLY meet.
3. Be clear about what you want. Whether you seek random hook-ups or a potential life-mate, let your intentions be known up front.
Trust me, you’ll spare yourself a lot of grief and/or death threats this way.
2. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but the interwebz is forever. For godssakes, get that shit off of Twitter and Facebook. You know what I’m talking about. Oh no? Well, let’s just pull up the ol’ MySpace page for reference.
1. Never judge a book by its cover. Oh, you have “a type”? That’s too bad, because there are plenty of awesome people out there who likely fall outside your comfort zone. If you want something you’ve never had, do someone you’ve never done before.
So long as it’s not Fred Durst. Jesus.
Need wildly impractical sex advice? From English majors? Send your questions to email@example.com or visit kenandariel.com. If we answer yours, Ariel might just show up at your place with a bottle of cheap booze. And her lawyer.