LULZ Sex 

SEX ADVICE FROM ENGLISH MAJORS: ADDICTED TO HER VIBRATOR

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KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.

Hey K&A: My girlfriend seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time with her vibrator. We’ve been dating for a couple years and the sex is amazing, but she still uses the vibrator constantly. I asked her why she needed it and she said it has nothing to do with me, it’s just something she’s used to and enjoys doing. But I still feel I’m competing with this little machine for her attention. Any suggestions on how to break her of the habit?

KEN SAYS: Break her of the habit?

Sure, provided you can go back in time, Terminator-style, and keep the vibrator from ever being invented.

But if you had that power, I’d hope you’d use it for a greater good. Like preventing Ke$ha’s parents from having sex, founding “Naked ESPN,” or getting George Lucas hooked on Ultimate Frisbee instead of making Star Wars Episodes I through III.

You see, long ago I gave up trying to compete with a vibrator. Primarily because that thing can run for hours on end whereas my hip muscles start to freeze up after roughly fifteen minutes of screwing—sometimes less if I’ve had a turkey sandwich for lunch.

My unwritten rule with every past girlfriend is that I don’t ask about the dresser drawer brimming with Hitachi Magic Wands and they don’t ask why I have to wear a wrist brace 45 weeks out of the year.

On the bright side, at least you know your competition. Some people get so bored with their sex lives two years into a relationship, they spend their off-hours trolling for circus midgets or making horse porn. Her vibrator obsession doesn’t seem to be cutting into your sex life.

And unless she starts dressing it up in a little suit and grabbing a table for two at Sonsie, it probably won’t be replacing you anytime soon.

Instead of obsessing over a machine, focus on what you bring to the table. As one of my ex-girlfriends once said, “My vibrator is awesome, but there’s nothing like a real dick.” Unfortunately, by “a real dick” I assumed she meant the one belonging to me, not Eduardo, the landlord’s assistant who she was banging for rent. But that’s another story.

ARIEL SAYS: I won’t assume you to be a man or woman, but either way, I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling threatened by a plastic toy powered by double Ds. Not to sound condescending, but honestly, that’s all it is: a stupid thingy made in China that shakes.

And makes your girlfriend shake, uncontrollably.

We’ve dealt with the party-of-one question before. And I’ll repeat my stance: I think masturbation, with or without accessories, is a God-given tool that we’re all lucky to have and enjoy. If it begins to take the place of actual, honest-to-Betsy sex, then that’s a relationship problem. However, according to your email, it hasn’t.

Hell, you’re two years in, the nadir of humping compulsively for most couples, and yet the sex is, by your account, still “amazing.”

So, what’s the problem? I assure you, you’re not competing. That little piece of plastic has nothing on your face, your charm, your body, your character, your insanely outrageous antics in the bedroom and beyond. Think of it as merely an intermission between Batman’s Batwing Coaster and The Mind Eraser (two sexual positions I’m still trying to secure copyrights for).

So c’mon, sugar. Let your girl have a break with her toy while you come up with the next joy ride that will knock her socks off, get her rocks off, and maybe even drain a battery or two. Hey, there’s an idea.

Ever think of inviting Mr. Dihl Dough along? Three’s Company, yo.

Need wildly impractical sex advice? From English majors? Send your questions to questions@kenandariel.com or visit kenandariel.com. If we answer yours, Ariel might just show up at your place with a bottle of cheap booze. And her lawyer.


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