LULZ 

CELEBRITY SPOTTINGS

Screen shot 2013-08-22 at 1.16.23 PM

Saturday morning, Tupac‘s hologram was seen taking a holographic shit in [dive bar]‘s bathroom in Allston. The same evening, Lindsay Lohan was spotted jay-walking towards a shady looking person hiding behind a lamp post outside [insert salon name] on Newbury. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner were seen eating dollar burgers at [insert bar name] and talking about movies and Snookie got a giant scorpion bowl and meal then threw it all up in the bathroom of [way too expensive restaurant] in the South End!!!

Meanwhile, the average CEO in the US still makes something like 300 times the amount of the average worker and you or I will never be able to bridge that gap no matter how hard we work. The USA’s 21 drone airstrikes targeting terrorists in Yemen have led to absolutely nothing except more death. Oil tankers on the Jersey shore line are obstructing my view. The Earth’s climate is being destroyed and as a result entire small island nations have had to be evacuated due to sea level rise – nations who contribute to about 1 percent of global greenhouse emissions, as women inject their lips with botox and get fake spray tans while reading about celebrity sightings at salons worth more than your entire family’s worldly possessions.

About LAUREN METTER

Lauren Metter is from Allentown, PA. Jokes about Amish people and Billy Joel will be greeted with a Lauren Metter Look of Death.
'

2 Responses to CELEBRITY SPOTTINGS

  1. Love this. Bait and switch like a motherfucker. Also hologram poop is breaking my mind into splintered clusters. Thank you.

  2. Ken Ken says:

    WAIT BUT SO WHERE CAN I GET DOLLAR BURGERS LIKE BENNIFER?