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BAR HAVOC: 5 LAST-DITCH PLOYS TO GETTING LAID ON V-DAY

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You’re in luck. Valentine’s Day falls on Friday this year. That means flocks of singles who would have probably remained indoors on a weeknight V-Day will be out on the prowl, just like you. We’re not re-inventing the kink wheel here, but sometimes people need to be reminded they are not alone in exploding at the crotch, and this week is one of those times.

HIT THE TOWN ALONE. This isn’t for everyone. If you’re genuinely uncomfortable sitting at a bar by yourself, then pursue other options. But if you’re the type who can relax and kick back with a newspaper or your Facebook feed until a divine and willing blessing arrives, then start with the college bars–lots of horny types of both sexes and innumerable preferences there–then work your way up to the sex-starved divorcees on Boylston Street.

HAVE A LAST-MINUTE PARTY. You may have already been invited to such a mingle. If so, and you’re interested in some sweet Valentine’s loving, then show the fuck up. With a bottle of wine in each hand, dummy. Chances are there will be other interested souls on hand, and that their standards–like yours–will be at an all-time low for the evening. From there, take it to a bar near your place or theirs, then round home like the slugger you are.

FUCK A COUPLE. There’s a reason people in relationships are constantly complaining about how lame Valentine’s Day really is. It’s because even if a couple goes out to a five-star dinner they can’t really afford and enjoys a few more drinks than usual, they’re unlikely to fuck any harder than they normally do back home. This is your chance to spice up their big day, and for the most awkward walk of shame you’ve ever stumbled.

USE THE INTERNET. This one is insanely obvious. Log online. Get your salad tossed. No strings attached. But in the week leading up to Valentine’s Day, the ordinary perverted sea of sexual hopefuls expands into a bottomless abyss of souls searching for some kind of orgy. Just don’t waste your time with OkCupid or any other site that requires you to blow your load on metadata. Just hit Tinder, Grindr, or any of the like, and dive into a holiday barrel of bliss.


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2 Responses to BAR HAVOC: 5 LAST-DITCH PLOYS TO GETTING LAID ON V-DAY

  1. Pingback: THE VALENTINE'S ISSUE | DigBoston