STARRING | BRETT KELLY, DAN TAIT
DIRECTOR | BRETT KELLY
STUDIO | BRAIN DAMAGE FILMS
RELEASE | 10.4.11
Pirates lets you assume it’s another skin flick take on the blockbuster franchise.
You know, that spoof where they make a pirate-themed porno, clip out all the sex scenes and release the R-rated camp to the niche?
It’s not. This officially appeals to nobody.
You see the bedroom-eyed dude on the cover and think, “They nailed it,” and look for porn names. Nobody. What? Open YouTube in consternation and find a swashbuckling adventure filmed on a cloudy day in Lynn, MA. Dudes gingerly touch swords in strangely accurate outfits, deliver minimal dialogue and fight pirates played by the cashier at the packie. One of those grampies goes lurking in the woods and gets stalked by a cut-out of a bone dinosaur.
The SyFy hopeful does not care if I’m impressed, as they got an unintentionally innuendo-filled review out of me, regardless. It’s 75 minutes and the backdrops are blurry like your eyesight right out of bed.
This movie just told me to go fuck myself, and I’m not even mad.