HOW YOU QUEUIN’: IMURDERS

I always enjoy horror movies, but it’s in October around Halloween-time that I seem to actively seek them out. I decided to see what Hulu’s options are since I’ve been Netflixin’ like whoa lately. Fighting against the voice in my head that wanted to queue Captain Ron, I went for what I figured would be a good horror hot-mess: iMurders.

I should clarify something: iMurders is not a good hot-mess. It’s just a mess.

I thought the star power of Billy Dee Williams AKA Lando Calrissian would help, but no it did not. iMurders is about a bunch of unlikable people who meet weekly in a chatroom on social networking site Facespace. (Don’t you love the names given to generic movie social networking sites?) The group plays a monthly game and in their horror-themed October, suddenly the group is being attacked and murdered. This game sucks! But who could the culprit be? The mysterious blonde who keeps traveling for business? The scorned Asian woman desperate to seek vengeance for her dead lover? The new hunk in the building who has visions of a bloody crime scene? Lando Calrissian himself on a break from Cloud City? Actually, kinda yes but he killed a different guy from chat rooms. Red herring.

Let’s get into the spoiler zone of this crapfest.

I don’t think anyone should queue this movie. It’s filmed like a poor student film, yet it features actors you’d actually recognize. It’s got the The Candyman, dammit! While the murders are gross, they’re not the ridiculously awesome kind from other movies, so it’s not noteworthy. Where I will give credit, I guess, is the ending of the movie and the culprit.

Here’s the spoilery stuff. The annoying older busybody in the building who doesn’t know anything about computers actually does know about computers. Turns out the the blonde who travels for business, Sandra, is also the woman in the movie’s opening having an affair with a married man. That married man committed suicide and he is busybody’s brother, so she wants revenge on the skeezy internet trolls ruining lives. It’s executed it a mostly crappy way, but I didn’t mind the ending.

Except I totally called the culprit the moment they were introduced.

The fun-titled, awful-to-watch iMurders is free on Hulu to watch. Plain and simple, it sucks. While none are megastars, the recognizable actors in this movie must’ve really needed a paycheck to sign onto this. Nothing about it is clever, interesting, or game changing. It could’ve all been done in a 43 minute episode of Law and Order. I don’t even watch Law and Order but I’d rather watch re-runs of that show from 1995 than consider watching any of iMurders again.