‘Sup, floormates? Chad here, rappin’ at ya with some serious doses of vitamin truth, straight from room 3-B. Blingin’, blazin’ and ballin’. We do it best.
As the majority-recognized coolest person in this dorm, I have a certain responsibility toward shaping the tastes and attitudes of my lessers. It is my burden, and my burden alone, to determine when it is no longer permissible to wear sandals, which brand of cheap cigarette is acceptable for smoking “ironically,” or when it can be said that MGMT no longer rules and now totally sucks.
The answers are, of course, two weeks after first snowfall, Pall Malls so long as they’re menthol, and exactly 34 minutes after Congratulations was announced. But assuming that you’ve all already signed up for my “Transmissions from Planet Chad” email blasts, you already knew that.
Take heed, denizens of my brick-walled kingdom. November is swiftly approaching, and with it comes the greatest challenge to our collective sense of dorm identity since the T-shirt schism of mid-September. Shall we pick up the stoner’s standard that lies as-yet unclaimed and adopt vaguely leftist sensibilities? Or do we buckle down for the long haul and align ourselves with conservatives, leaving us open to valuable persecution by our teachers and classmates?
I am not deaf to you, my lieutenants on the lacrosse squad; fret not, your counsel has been weighed.
As it was I alone who had the wisdom to foresee that Hamilton’s beach-themed party would be lame as hell with, at most, two kegs, only I can be trusted with our shared future. And lo, I have decided.
We’re not voting. We’re the libertarian dorm. (I know, right? It’s awesome!)
So, here’s deets. Nobody do anything, we’ll adopt a whole new layer of smug self-superiority, and I’ll google some talking points for my next transmission. Everybody cool?
This is Chad, dropping the mic.
CHAD STRAWMAN IS A FRESHMAN AT BOSTON UNIVERSITY.