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50 REASONS MASSHOLES DIDN’T VOTE TODAY

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We’re pretty sure you didn’t vote today. We know that because of exit polls, statistics, and other nonsense that you probably care nil about, or at least paid no attention to. We don’t resent you though. Obviously, you had a damn good reason for neglecting your civic responsibility. Here are the most reasonable copouts that we’ve heard and imagined all day:

50 – Too hot.

49 – Windsurfing the Middle East with John Kerry.

48 – Too cold in the air-conditioning.

47 – Busy imagining conservative utopia in the case that Markey loses.

46 – Bruins lost.

45 – Blackhawks won.

44 – Running for 5th House district seat.

43 – Voted for Scott Brown last time; already did enough damage.

42 – Helping Doc Rivers move.

41 – Wu-Tang Forever!

40 – Still waiting to find out if either candidate ever slept with Barbara Walters.

39 – Really into the Red Sox since the Bruins game ended.

38 – Visiting grandson in California.

37 – Pretty sure a dude is sure to win.

36 – 4:20.

35 – Already in line for Fourth of July fireworks.

34 – No Boston Phoenix endorsement in the race.

33 – Just waited wicked long to vote for Obama like a few months ago.

32 – Hanging chads.

31 – Guys named Chad hanging around my polling place asking me to vote for Gomez.

30 – ACORN no longer around to drive me.

29 – Menino isn’t running.

28 – Already have several friends writing in “North West.”

27 – Still on state-mandated lockdown.

26 – Drunk.

25 – You think it’s easy running the Worcester Chamber of Commerce?

24 – Didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of cool friends.

23 – Just lost Stanley Cup/Canadian citizen.

22 – Only leave the house for Doughnut Day.

21 – Took MBTA to the polls.

20 – No “I Voted” stickers left.

19 – Lack of Dropkick Murphys anthem encouraging me to do so.

18 – Had to move to Hong Kong, then Russia in order to avoid federal indictment.

17 – Florida resident, felon.

16 – Fuck!

15 – Not enough home mailers.

14 – Only living in Boston until I can afford to move to New York.

13 – Despise Navy SEALS and old people.

12 – Just got this cup of coffee.

11 – Can’t leave North Attleboro home due to ongoing criminal investigation.

10 – Neither candidate has daughter who is either single or former American Idol finalist.

9 – Holding out for mayor’s race.

8 – Karl Rove told me to stay home.

7 – Watching Obama say nothing of any consequence about pressing environmental concerns.

6 – Didn’t want to miss Bulger trial live tweets.

5 – Traffic, man. Traffic’s a motherfucker.

4 – Isn’t one of those guys a Native American or something?

3 – Assumed ghost of Ted Kennedy would take care of everything.

2 – Not enough television commercials.

1 – Couldn’t decide who was more Boston Strong.

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2 Responses to 50 REASONS MASSHOLES DIDN’T VOTE TODAY

  1. Deni Deni says:

    I voted..no excuses! #VoteMarkey

  2. Pingback: BOSTON BASTARD: THE DE-MEH-CRACY | DigBoston