Going out in Allston can be very similar to getting hit by ten B line trains all at once—except it’s your fault every time. It’s painful and confusing and you want to projectile vomit and hide under a rock and there is this uncontrollable sense of impending doom, like you lost your wallet and cell phone and told your best friend to suck it forever (you did).
There are a lot of ways to combat the effects of Allston on your life, to curb its attempts to seep in like the blackness in Little Nemo and steal away everything you hold dear.
First and foremost, let’s deal with your health. B12, water, and pain killers will deal with the majority of physical repercussions. In places like LA and Vegas you can pay to get an IV and a B12 shot to combat your hangover, but I’m assuming none of you are able to shoulder the hefty price tag associated with this. So next time you’re planning to Allston (It’s now a verb –Ed.), make sure you are stocked up on these essentials.
Once you’re able to move without feeling like something is trying to gnaw its way out of your skull through your eyeballs, you need to look at your texts and do damage control. There are good ways to deal with sending your ex a text at 2 a.m. that says “Let me clap dem cheeks” or some other brilliant epithet. Damage control is generally achieved with rampant apologies and insistence that you were in Allston, all sense of reality and consequence tend to leave one when they agree to imbibe in one of the many varied local establishments.
You should check social media next.
Make sure that there is no incriminating evidence that can get you in hot water with work or family. This of course presumes you have anything you could call a responsibility in your life, which I know is unfair of me. The smartest thing to do here if you’re worried about what images will show up of you on the internet is to set your Facebook to require your authorization before you’re tagged in a post. You’re going to need breakfast and some sense of what happened the night before.
Check under your fingernails for blood before going out in public, in case you’ve committed any crimes.
Call your best friend and beg them to meet you in Allston Proper. Where are you going to go? What are you going to eat? The answers to these questions depend upon whether you can handle confronting the world around you. Put on your darkest glasses and decide: do I want to sit in the presence of humanity for any length of time, or do I want to scurry away with libations and hide in my apartment nest until the world stops spinning? This is probably a good time to check your bank balance and cash flow. If you’re ready for human interaction, head to one of the many brunch establishments. The forerunners in this field seem to be Common Ground, TITS, Allston Diner, Deep Ellum/Lone Star, @Union, and the up-and-comer Root.
Get booze with your breakfast if it is an option; you’ll feel more like a human being.
You’re going to want to order something that will absorb all of the bullshit sloshing around inside of you, and also something with a semblance of nutritional value that fits within the confines of the overspending you took part in before.
If you can’t handle humans, you’re going to want to get breakfast to go.
The mainstays like Bagel Rising and Refuge sport a hefty line, but it can be worth it. The Allstoned Sunrise at Refuge and the Vegan Tequila Sunrise at Bagel Rising absorb well, and sport a savory mix of things your body really wants in it to get going (mainly: protein).
You need to cagily ask your best friend what you did last night without showing the earth-shaking terror anxiety post traumatic black out syndrome. Ask half questions which require them to fill in the blanks. “Can you BUH-LEEVE what she said … to them?” and hope they walk you home. If they’re a good best friend they are feeling all the same feels as you and will make up beautiful lies to assuage their own concerns about what could have happened the night before because they are also completely in the dark about everything. You’re probably going to want to take a nap now, and maybe a shower if you didn’t earlier or a second shower if you’re feeling sweaty and smell like booze.
Offer an apologetic nod to your neighbors and anyone you think you might have been weird at.
My most solid piece of advice about how to avoid all of these Allston feels is to drink in moderation and stay hydrated and go home at a reasonable hour but you chickies don’t want to hear that stuff so brush your teeth and face the world; you will recover. Watch out for that stranger you made out with on the B line, if you’re lucky you’ll get matched on OK Cupid and you can send each other creepy messages. Be sure to vomit in bushes and gutters to keep the rest of our feet clean and fertilize some nature!