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THE BRAWL FOR CITY HALL: BOSTON ELECTORATE’S MICRO-DEMOGRAPHICS

MayorBrawl_Graffiti

We’ve identified a few such micro-niches in hopes that the remaining campaigns will adjust their platforms appropriately.

In the aftermath of last week’s brawl to whittle down the Boston mayoral pack to two hopefuls, there’s been endless chatter about which votes are now up for grabs. With no candidates of color remaining, for example, the finalists—City Councilor-At-Large John Connolly and state Rep. Marty Walsh—are sure to start aggressively courting black and Latino bases. No doubt they’ll also both hound the downtown development set. Lost in the shuffle, however, are some of Boston’s fringe demographics.

We’ve identified a few such micro-niches in hopes that the remaining campaigns will adjust their platforms appropriately.

GRAFFITI WRITERS
As we’ve recently come to find out, the Boston Police Department’s task force that’s supposed to protect us from terrorists spends much of its time trolling peaceful protests and hunting artists. Both Walsh and Connolly are relatively young, and should recognize the kaleidoscopic value that street pieces bring to the landscape. Instead of incarcerating graffiti cats, a candidate after these hearts could suggest that those who get caught spraying are sentenced to paint murals.

SERVERS
Few members of our community get shit-on more than waiters, bartenders, and all the other hustlers who make our restaurants run smoothly. While the fight to increase the minimum wage for fast food workers rages on, other industry folks also continue to get pounded. In order to win over this bunch, Walsh or Connolly could recognize their plight, and, more than anything else, secure some better evening transit so that servers aren’t forced to blow their tips on taxis after late shifts.

STONERS
Weed is hardly a hot political potato around here; roughly 70 percent of Boston voters pulled in favor of medical marijuana last year. More importantly, there are already 21 applicants who wish to open a dispensary in Suffolk County. We’re not exactly asking for the candidates to puff in public, but a simple acknowledgment that Boston is the heart of Grassachusetts would be awesome.

CAT PEOPLE
According to the American Veterinary Medical Association, 34.1 percent of Bay State households own felines. As such, it’s time to break out the catnip or whatever it takes to attract so many pussy lovers. Needless to say, the cat crowd has a lot of overlap with other demographics—librarians, insane people—but it wouldn’t hurt for Walsh or Connolly to cough up a hairball from time to time.

REPORTERS
We want transparency, as well as reparations for the countless fucking hours we’ve spent chasing information that should be publicly available. We’d also like a cozy lounge at City Hall with free wi-fi that’s not surveilled by administration spies, plus some beer and pizza every now and then.


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