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MEDIA FARM: THE GLOBE DOES CHEEZUS

MF_FutureOfNews-1

Last week the Globe also announced its boldest step into tomorrow thus far:
the acquisition of CNN Vatican correspondent John Allen.

CHEESE ISSUES

Remember how we asked you to smack us with a hard block of Parmesan if we ever used the word “cheesepocalypse”? We meant it, but since this is our first-ever homogenized edition, we’re making an exception. In all truthfulness, DigBoston hardly believes in the looming ballyhooed Velveeta famine covered by such serious outlets as the Los Angeles Times, which last week quoted a Kraft spokesperson claiming “the shortage was caused by ‘minor manufacturing challenges’ and amplified by the seasonal demand.” This appears to be a ludicrous sales ploy on countless levels–if Kraft knows they’ll need to boost the artificial cheese supply in winter, then goddammit, why not simply manufacture more? On the media side of the contrived drought, though, the Chicago Tribune won the race to the bottom with a misleading online satirical headline–“Velveeta shortage just a small part of government’s War on Cheese”–that, thanks to integrated Google ads, occasionally hot-links to the actual Kraft web site.

A NEW HOME FOR MOTHER ANGELICA

It’s been a heck of a year so far for the Boston Globe. In addition to publisher Christopher Mayer announcing plans to step down after decades at the sheet, new owner John Henry broke some vaguely exciting news at a Boston Chamber of Commerce breakfast last Wednesday. “We will be more than a newspaper,” he reportedly told the chamber. “We’ll be boston.com … We will create a Boston Globe television network, we will be a news media organization on every platform … Hell, we’ll be broadcasting from drones.” For anybody unimpressed by drone journalism or the prospect of an Alex Beam retirement reality show, last week the Globe also announced its boldest step into tomorrow thus far: the acquisition of CNN Vatican correspondent John Allen, who will join the next generation media operation “as a correspondent focused on the Catholic Church, and to explore the launch of a Globe website dedicated to coverage of the religion.” Behold the future of news.

WHEN YOU’RE RIGHT YOU’RE RIGHT

You probably already noticed, but we would be remiss not to acknowledge the spectacular accuracy in each multiple-of-seven on BuzzFeed’s otherwise asinine “30 Times You Wanted To Smack The Smug Off The New England Patriots’ Faces.” We also tend to loathe: “When [Tom Brady] managed to get away with all [those dumbass] hairstyles unscathed” (#7); “When Bob Kraft posed with Pharrell, Bon Jovi, and Jay Z like he was some sort of cool guy” (#14); “When Aaron Hernandez confused being tried for murder for a Comedy Central roast” (#21); “When Tom Brady appeared in this Uggs commercial and gave a man slippers” (#28). Hard as it is to side with the enemy on this one, we had no choice after a Pats fan embarrassingly earned top comment status by bemoaning, “Haters gonna hate.”

DRUNK, GAY, AND COZY

Few silly superlatives have eluded Boston, Cambridge, or Massachusetts. Over the past few years, shameless retailers and PR hucksters have issued innumerable arbitrary lists–from drunkest metropolis to smartest, most crime-ridden, and best-read regions–and effectively armed whore sites galore with endless click bait. We’re mostly okay with it, though, as the Hub and its exalted neighbors often land at the pinnacle.

This latest round of acknowledgment is no exception. First, Cambridge scored fourth on a somewhat scientific compendium by Advocate Magazine, which awards locales with “a point per women’s college, and points for concert performances by Mariah Carey, Pink, Lady Gaga, or the Jonas Brothers,” among other adequately queer qualifiers. According to the annual “Gayest Cities in America” spread, despite the notable gayness of neighboring Boston, “Cambridge’s own queer cred is substantial.”

If that’s not enough cause for celebration, also believable yet much more random is a new list of “America’s Coziest Cities”–gauged by factors such as “fireplace and portable heaters usage … and overall walkability to restaurants and coffee shops”–which put Boston/Cambridge on top nationwide. Stupid as they are, we encourage these and all the other compliments. Haters gonna hate regardless, so you might as well be dope and rub it in their faces.

[Media Farm is wrangled weekly by DigBoston News+Features Editor Chris Faraone]


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