Someone has to say it out loud.
Every morning way before the sun, you rise in the appropriately safe confines of Dedham, way out in the suburbs and away from nasty urban liberals. The unapologetically Caucasian scene is like a light-hearted dramedy set clumsily upon a southern hamlet brimming with sorority smiles and obnoxious doting parents. You might as well hold mirrors to the camera.
Heading up this spectacle is Gene Lavanchy, the stubbornly bespectacled conservative papa tending to his flock of pretty dimwits. They laugh easily at his attempts at humor to bide time until their patriarch has more to say. What Lavanchy won’t say, you can count on the company jester, Doug ‘VB’ Goudie, spewing from his bully pulpit. VB’s character is easily recognized. He’s the heavy-set comic relief, the guy the girls pay close attention to because he’s written into the script. It’s humiliating.
What a collection of ladies it is though. Each as pretty as a picture and comparably shallow. Their Queen Bee these days is Shannon Mulaire, an angel whose disdain for underclassmen and lesser people in general is obvious in every breath. Her body language all but screams boredom as she volleys crumbs Lavanchy shoves in her direction.
Waiting in the wings you’ve got new addition Joy Lim Nakrin, who looks perfectly the part of a Duke Law School grad, and also happens to be one. In an extremely cute turn of ignorance recently, she conceded to know nothing of the connection between Green Day and the play American Idiot. How apropos.
Hello there Catherine Parrotta. You perfectly inhabit the role of eager-to-please pledge. Need me to stand outside during a storm? Check. Laugh along to the inanity of big sis? Checkity check. Look cute and shut up? Check mate. She seems to be the protegee of random fill-in Sara Underwood, who once lamented, while purporting to conduct a news cast, how an awful man with “plumber’s butt” had dared board a plane before her. Stop the presses!
Hey there stereotypical “Weather Girl” Shiri Spear, native of New Hampshire who returned here after heading south to Florida to garner career traction. Those expert silent facial expressions run the full gamut, from grim disapproval to wide-eyed exuberance. Just a girl from New England. Making pretty TV eyes at a sleepy hometown audience. Mesmerizing.
Of the whole gaggle, your most obnoxiously over-the-top fool flying around is Elizabeth “Lily” Hopkins, a proud supporter of the way things should be, whatever the hell that means, and the most delusional of all in terms of her (lack of) comedic talent. Those insights during the daily “Mail Call”–compounded by those excruciating French and British accents she employs to the bemusement of colleagues and viewers alike–often give me reason to slap myself. Could this actually be happening on a real newscast?
We’ve all been tortured by that party guest who laughs loudly at their own jokes, and thinks anyone who fails to appreciate their Robin Williams routine lacks any sense of humor. That’s Hopkins, every morning. The house cut-up.
I know it can’t be easy executing a daily broadcast that requires said style of enduring talent show and pageant ethos, rife with sorority snobbery and everything that groans with it. Not to mention the attempts to convey current events that might inadvertently slip in. Still, at Fox 25, you’ve gone for way more “show” than “talent.” It’s been the status quo to deliver right-wing points via quality attractions since Ann Coulter first dazzled the flyover states, but the fact that the Fox schtick has been so readily soaked up in our Blue heaven is laughable if not harrowing.
Finally, your operation manages to make Kathie Lee look like an astute social satirist, and Hoda like a credible journalist. On a dial filled with gorgeous imbeciles, from music videos to reality shows, yours might be the most cringe-worthy.
And yet, some folks just can’t look away.