Little known fact about me: I was in a production of “The Nutcracker.”
As an adult.
Yeah, be jealous.
And with all that experience under my tights of being Adult Party Guest #7 in an annual children’s production in Texas, I feel I am more than prepared to play Nekkid Adult Party Guest #7 in Somerville’s own annual production of The Slutcracker.
(They don’t call me Trollop for nuthin’).
Alas, I missed my chance this year to audition but for those of you with the less lofty goal of just wanting to witness this bawdy spectacular, you’re in luck. The Slutcracker opens tonight at the Somerville Theatre and runs through Christmas Eve.
Started four years ago by Vanessa White, a.k.a Sugar Dish, (who is also the director) the show combines the best parts of the holiday classic (the music) with the best part of burlesque (BOOBS! NIPPLE TAPE! DILDOS!).
According to the website, tickets are selling fast (did I mention the BOOBS! NIPPLE TAPE! DILDOS!?). So get off your lazy asses soon. And, added bonus, Slutcracker patrons can get discounted tickets to see Boston Ballet’s Nutcracker (fair warning: everyone stays heavily clothed in that one [Weeeellllll--Ed.]).
And if you miss it this year, don’t sweat it. Next year’s production should be even better…once I master that tricky nipple tassel twirl thing without looking like I’m having a seizure.
[Tickets are $25 and available here or at the box office of Somerville Theatre, 55 Davis Square, daily from 4-8 p.m.]