TRANSCRIPT: THE TRAILER PARK BOYS

We recently interviewed Canadian television and film sensations the Trailer Park Boys for an upcoming issue of the Dig in advance of their upcoming shows at the Wilbur Theatre. I spoke to them, they were staying in character, and it was a riot. Here is the full transcript.

Sorry I missed your call earlier. Who am I talking to? Who is this? Who’s all in the room here?
Ricky: Ricky, Julian and Bubbles.

Oh, wow. Great. And where are you?
Ricky: In some bar, drinkin’.

Clean and sober, then.
Ricky: No, we’re drunk.

Well, that’s good. You’re coming to the States—how often do you do this? I don’t know if we’ve had you here before, but I can’t remember.
Julian: Not in the East. We haven’t been to the East Coast. It’s not easy to get Ricky across the border but we’re gonna get him there. It’s gonna be a great time.

Yeah, how do you do that? Do you have to sneak him across or do you mail him in a box? How do you guys do that?
Bubbles: We tied him up in an air cannon. Shot him over the river.

Nice. And he survived, intact?
Bubbles: He was unconscious when we did it.

That doesn’t sound very stealthy, though. It just sounds really, you know, really brazen.
Julian: Sorry, what was that?

So, tell me about the winters up there. How do you guys stay warm—I know it’s pretty cold. We’re cold here, but you’re actually a little colder. How do you warm. Have you got any tips?
Julian: I like to go to jail. It’s really warm in there.

Okay, that’s a good tip. What else?
Bubbles: I brought a lotta wood and love choppin. Burn a lotta tires.

Great.
Bubbles: They give a nice even heat but they give out a stink.

Yeah, yeah.
Ricky: I usually get a really strong proof for us.

Right, okay.
Ricky: Kinda like an antifreeze.
Julian: Yup. Yeah, the drunker you are, the warmer it is.

Right. So, I’m wondering about landlords and rent. I know you guys have a special relationship. If you were to, sort of, change the laws of renters and landlords, how would the Trailer Park Boys rethink the rules of that. Should there be more bartering between landlords and tenants or—in a perfect world, how does that relationship work?
Bubbles: First thing I’d do is free rent for me. That would be the first thing to implement. Free rent for Bubbles would be my first mandate.

Why does Bubbles get free rent?
Bubbles: ‘Cause I deserve it, I think. Y’know? I’m a nice fella
Ricky: I think people with rent should be in charge and they should just pay whatever they want, whatever they can afford.

So no landlord, cut out that whole thing? Just anarchy?
Ricky: Well, they should still pay the money but it should be just as much as they can afford.

Right. And how much is that?
Ricky: Right now, nothin’. But once I start doin’ good again, probably give ‘em 200 bucks a month.

Right. And are you guys in like, a job training program or are you studying to be—what are you guys studying to be in a few years. Where do you see yourself?
Ricky: Ah, either in jail or very rich.

All or nothing.
Ricky: Basically, yeah.

What about re-training. Are you learning any new skills, like web programming. Have you picked up on that or any classes that you’re taking?
Bubbles: Well, between the three of us we have a number of trades. I mean, Julian has window-changing, and personal training or muscle stuff, he’s good at. And I’ve got a few—I’m a good welder, pretty good welder. I don’t have my papers but I can weld things. Oh yeah, I could weld since I was a little guy.

That’s good, that’s valuable. Everybody needs some welding done.
Ricky: I can do some pipe fitting—good, I can fits pipes into things.

Yeah. That’s also good.
Julian: I can fix bikes into things, too.

Have you come up with any new drink concoctions? I know you’re fans of cocktails. I’m wondering, is there like a “drank” of your crew? Do you guys have a signature new cocktail that we don’t know about.
Julian: The name we came up with a new drink, it’s called the Johnny Shiprocket. It’s a good breakfast drink.

What’s in that?
Julian: Schnapps, rum slash Pepsi. Some brandy. Any other liquor that’s lyin’ around. Justgood stuff for breakfast, ya know, with milk and stuff. Good for indigestion as well.

Oh, good. So it’s like a cordial.
Bubbles: It’s like a liquor-oli.
Julian: Rum n’ ginger beer, too.

What is that?
Julian: Rum n’ ginger beer.

Oh, okay. Isn’t that a Dark n’ Stormy?
Julian: Ah, I have no idea, but it’s good.

How do you guys prefer to travel? What’s your preferred mode of travel as you go throughout our great nation, here?
Ricky: First class in an airplane. Free liquor.
Julian: But since that’s not gonna happen, I guess some kind of a bus that we’ll probably confiscate.

… And who drives?
Julian: Well, we’ll find a driver. They’ll either work for liquor or they’ll work for somethin’. We’ll get around.

I’m noticing a theme here. Let’s see—what do you guys do live? What’s the show like? What can you clue us in on—juggling, or like a Cirque du Soleil type of thing?
Bubbles: Very much like Cirque du Soleil. Show starts off with me swingin’ from the rafters. In tights. I come flying in from nowhere, from the back of the room. Swingin’ into a big flip onto stage.
Julian: I got an idea that’s gonna change the world and I’m gonna tell everybody in Boston about that, for sure.

That night?
Julian: Yup.

Oh wow. Big, revolutionary.
Julian: We’re probably gonna shoot some movie stuff, right. What do you guys think …
Bubbles: Yeah, Jackie Chan’s got a new movie coming out they’re taking auditions for, so I’m doin’ that. I’m gonna shoot some stuff for that. Try to get in a kung fu movie.

Oh, wow. Kung fu. I didn’t know you practiced. Are you a yellow belt or—what level of belt are you?
Bubbles: I’m not any belt, really, but I can take a punch pretty good, bow, charge.

Yeah, I wouldn’t fuck with you.
Bubbles: I mean, most people think I’m like a cobra, so…

Yeah. Like a blur. Is there anything you want to see in Boston? How do you feel about the city here—is there a landmark? You know Cheers, right? You probably watched the show Cheers. You guys get that up there?
Ricky: Yeah, that was a great show.
Bubbles: Yeah, I’d love to go see Cheers. See where Sam Malone worked.
Julian: I like Woody.

Sam was, he was sober. He didn’t drink.
Julian: Ricky’s got a crush on Ben Afflek so he wants to—
Ricky: That’s not true—
Julian: —see if he can kidnap—
Ricky: Julian’s … I wanna go see the Boston Bruins.

There ya go. Hockey.
Ricky: Yeah, man.

They’re pretty good. What’s the team nearest you guys? The Kanooks?
Ricky: Gonna have to embarrassingly say the Maple Leafs.

Oh, right, right.
Bubbles: The team almost closest to us is The Canadians. Closest to us physically, the Montreal Canadians.

Right. You guys play hockey, don’t you?
Bubbles: Oh, yes sir.

You have any moves or any suggestions for our hockey-playing audience?
Bubbles: Well, we’re hopin’ that the Bruins are gonna invite us out for a skate. And we could show summa the moves, so ‘em in person. I’ve got some skill. They call me a young Wayne Gretsky, ‘smatter of fact.

Really.
Ricky: I’m sure we’ll get really really drunk for the occasion. Play hockey, then get drunk.

Yeah. What about—you could sing your national anthem at a game. How bout that. Maybe we could set that up.
Bubbles: Oh, absolutely. I’d love to sing the national anthem.
Ricky: We could both do it. It’d take me a long time to learn those words but with Bubbles I could probably pull it off.

Yeah, do you think you could get through it? I don’t know all the words—can you sing a few bars, or—
Bubbles: Of the Canadian one or the American one?

The Canadian one! “Oh Canada”
Bubbles: (sings) Ohhhh Canaddaaa, our home and native land. I’ll sing the whole thing.

Oh, that’s lovely. That’s melodious.
Bubbles: Yup.

I think you’re kinda like an Engelbert Humperdinck.
Bubbles: Yup.

How about music. What are you guys listening to now. We got some big bands here—we got Aerosmith and bands like that. What are some of your favorite rock bands?
Ricky: We’re big Rush fans.

Oh yeah, of course.
Bubbles: Most Canadian stuff. ‘Merican stuff, like Guns ‘N Roses.
Ricky: Yep.
Bubbles: Sebastian Bach and Skid Row. Can’t get enough of that.
Ricky: Most of us have a problem with Nickelback, got into a fight with them. We got problems—we don’t really listen to Nickelback anymore.

Oh, what happened?
Bubbles: Oh, we got in a fight with Chad Kroeger, in the street.

He was just walking around, or—at a show? After a show, maybe?
Bubbles: Yeah, after a show at a pizza shop.

Nice—did you at least get his pizza?
Bubbles: I got the last slice of veggie pizza so he sucker punched me.

Did you at least get his pizza?
Bubbles: Uh, I gotta the pizza, yeah, I got that, and then (started throwin’ haymakers)

… Wow. That’s a great story.
Bubbles: Then he swept my legs, got on top of me and almost beat me to death.

Well, that’s a great story.
Bubbles: You can just say, I want people to know that he beat me unmercifully.

Damn. How about new technologies—let’s just touch on that real quick. Do you guys have—do you use Facebook? Is Bubbles on Facebook?
[pause]
Bubbles: We just got new telephones that don’t have wires.

Wireless phones?
Bubbles: Yeah.

Nice.
Bubbles: Yeah, they’re all the rage.

Right. Do you do some texting?
Bubbles: Yes, I know how to text now, very well. I’m very good at it. Ricky’s not so good at it ’cause he can’t spell.

So, the movie came out, Count Down to Liquor Day. Are you working on a new movie? Anything you can leak about the next film? You said you were filming when you were gonna be here. I guess that’s sorta leaked.
Bubbles: No, not filmin’ anything. We’re thinkin about getting into the liquor business.

Really?
Bubbles: Yeah, we might build the skills, start makin liquor and sellin it.

Well, that’s great. What are you gonna make? What kinda stuff?
Bubbles: We’re probably gonna make primarily whiskey, bourbon, some vodka, maybe—some rum, brandy. Liquor!
Julian: Moonshine.

Well, that’s fantastic. So, we got Bubbles, Ricky, and Julian. That’s who I’m talking to, right?
Bubbles: Yeah, sure is.

Just so I got the voices right, Ricky, can you say something right now?
Ricky: Somethin’ right now. This is Ricky, how’s it going.

And Julian? So if I have someone—say something.
Julian: Alright, somethin’.

And Bubbles, I know what you sound like, so…
Bubbles: Yep … one … two

Well, thanks a lot for talking to me.
Julian: No problem, man. We’re actually gonna be playing a show there, so—

Two shows. Double dose.
Julian: First one. We’re doin a second one.
Bubbles: Yep. They just added another one.

Awesome. Glad to hear it. Well, we’ll see you when you get here. I’ll see you at Cheers.
Bubbles: Alright, thanks a lot.

Stay sober. One day at a time.

[Trailer Park Boys. Sat 1.22.11-Sun 1.23.11. Wilbur Theatre , 246 Tremont St., Boston. 617.248.9700. Sat 10pm, Sun 7pm/$25-$29. thewilburtheatre.com]