Now gather ‘round, ye gents and ladies
And listen to a tale
Of the best friend’s girlfriend who sucketh
And verily she doth fail
A few bro nights forsaken
I could mayhaps understand
But hold him hostage to watch Oprah
Nay, for that I shall not stand
She soaks up all his earnings
And wrings them out on food
Movies, jewelry, chocolates, too
And she’s still not in the mood?
She tells him he’s not funny
Though his jokes far better fare
Than anything I’ve heard her spew
Or thought was worth a share
It’s hard to tell what’s really worse
Dating her or that Medusa chick
And though she’d turn thy heart to stone
I bet she’d suck more dick
My friend’s a skinny fellow
But she puts him on weird diets
Lemon rinds and peapod skins
Wing night no longer flyeths
Our game of catch, no longer there
‘Tis truly a sad sight
But seeing her sans makeup on
Is much, much more a fright
She doesn’t get our bromance
Just shuns it, calls us names
No longer may we share warm embrace
But must hang our heads in shame
She butts into our business
She’ll nag and shriek and stew
To the point it makes us nauseous
And turns our skin a greenish hue
She wants to know his schedule
Make sure he isn’t cheating
Force him to commit to her
But her own promises? Quite fleeting.
She hovers like a dragon
With wings, sharp fangs, and fire
Oft checking for his missteps
Though she herself’s a liar
If there were a comparison
To make, I’d go with Smaug.
That crazy, gnashing dragon
From The Hobbit, not from Prague.
It’s weird to think that manners
Are completely lost on her
Invites herself to guys’ night out
What can we say but, “Sure?”
Our days at work, quite arduous
We just want to grab some beer
Instead she screams for Smirnoff Ice
Her friends all say, “Hear hear!”
We can’t even go to Hooters
Without her reprimanding
Seriously? It’s for the food.
She’s really quite commanding.
She’s a little like a General
In a Green Beret platoon
She’ll just let her anger fester
‘Till her temper goes KABOOM!
And I know I’m being mean here
But I just don’t think it’s fair
That she checks his texts and e-mail accounts
And says, “It’s ’cause I care.”
I’ve heard better excuses
From a nine year old that stutters
But putting up with all that crap
Should set no heart aflutter
I don’t think I’m unreasonable
It’s how lots of best friends feel
But our bond is near unbreakable
Our resolve as strong as steel
I guess it’s all irrelevant
So long as my bro’s happy
I just wish he didn’t have to stay
With a girl who’s so crappy
“My best friend’s girlfriend sucks,” I say
I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen
Now excuse me while I wrap this up
And find her purse to piss in.
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