DEFEND YOURSELF: LISA LAMPANELLI

She has been known to have screwed more Black guys than FEMA. She has never had Tommy Chong or had any desire to. Her new stand-up special is called Tough Love at it premiers premieres on Comedy Central on March 27th and she just recently roasted Donald Trump. She is the Queen of Mean. She is headed to Lowell tomorrow. You all better watch it.

You’re not banging black guys anymore. You just got married to an Italian named Jimmy? Have you thought about maybe role playing, painting Jimmy black face?
Yeah. Jimmy Balls.

Well, [laughs], he’s probably black enough because he’s Italian. Down South he’s considered black, he’s even been called a darkie there, so I can still do my jokes.

The first time I actually became acquainted with you was on the Pamela Anderson Roast, but it seemed like it turned into a Courtney Love roast once you got up there. She looks like more than a handful.
She was rough, that Roast, they didn’t even show how she missed behaved. I mean the Roast ran over 3 hours that night because there was so much craziness because of her. She made the headlines and people started watching the roast. More people starting watching me so I have that drunken whore to thank for my career. It’s crazy but it’s true.

You hosted the AVN (Adult Video News Awards) this past year. What was that like?
Well, thank God, Betty White wasn’t available. Crossing town to host the German Fist Fucking Competition. They were actually a really nice audience. They took it very seriously since this is their “craft”, [laughs] as they call it. After all, they’re up to accept an award for best Penetration scene.

I did notice nobody thanked their parents or God or the Fifth Grade teacher that molested them.

What the Hell, I thought those were the people that paved the way for them?
That’s what I thought too. Ungrateful.

Tragedy seems to follow some comics, Robert Schimmel, Greg Giraldo, Sam Kinison, uh … Andy Dick. How about you?
I feel really lucky. Being artistic doesn’t give you a license to not work on your shit. Comics think if they get therapy or something they won’t be funny anymore. I think that’s clearly bullshit. The night Giraldo died was the first night Artie Lange went up after his suicide attempt. He looked great, clean, sober, and thin and I heard he was really funny. I don’t think enough comics work on themselves. Schimmel’s tragedy was different, but like Andy Dick, you’re an addict and crazy. Get help. He’s a pain in the ass.

You fucked Tommy Chong?
Oh, God No that is not true. I referred to a guy I used to date in my book as a pothead like Tommy Chong. But, ah no. That guy is fucking ancient.

What happened to insult comics like Andrew Dice Clay?
He was selling out arenas in his hey day like a rock star. Dice fell off because he started apologizing what he did. That’s a big lesson there. Your going to lose your fans because they think you’re a big pussy, and then you’ll never win over the people you apologized too. They will always be complaining cunts, since those people never take an apology correctly. It really backfired.

Probably why Charlie Sheen isn’t sending out apologies of any sort
Oh, He’s not going away. He broke the twitter record for a million followers in 24 hours and the sad thing his brother Emilio is stuck at 92.

Let’s talk food since your Italian. Did you know there is milk/cheese being made from breast milk?
Yes. That’s fucking disgusting. Some things just beg to be made fun of. I wonder if any women drink it. Gross. How do you order some of that, in a small, large or a D cup? They’re doing this in London, as odd it is, even those civilized English folk.

You’ve got a new stand-up special on Comedy Central called Tough Love airing this month? What can we expect from that title?
Well, I just got married and I wanted an excuse to wear my $7,000 dress again, because I feel like I got ripped off from the Jews who sold it to me. But yeah, Even though I got married, I definitely didn’t soften up.

[Fri 3.25.11. Lowell Memorial Auditorium, 50 East Merrimack St., Lowell. 978.937.8688. 8pm/21+/$37.75. lowellauditorium.com]