It’s summertime and clothes are skimpier, hook ups are hotter and the wealth of shitty pop music is flooding our stereos. Traditionally these things have always come together this time of year and we have always just kind of let it happen because no matter how awful the music, everyone was always willing to get drunk and sing along until they found someone to sloppily make out with. It’s what summertime nights are made of!
So I set out to write an article on the shittiest songs that dudebros play in order to get into girls pants during those summertime bbq’s, until something horrifying happened. When I polled my friends looking for the cliche stuff, all the songs they listed were songs we have all gladly hooked up to, or would easily again be lured into a dark parking lot after karaoke for a sexytime wrestle. Whether or not it is cliche to bang to electro rock depends on what circles you run in, I suppose.
It’s almost embarrassing to say that this song will guaranteed get you laid…I don’t know why women are powerless against this song but I think it has something to do with the throbbing guitar riffs and absurdly sexy, sexy voice
Apparently, to my dismay and self actualization, even us modern women have our weaknesses and the slut gene, (slutophila lyricoligium 2) is powerless against a raspy voice purring about feelings/souls/whatever into a mic. Not to say we will drop trou for any jingle, but if you’ve already got us (willingly, pervs) alone and you turn on a certain tune, who knows what may unfold in the sweet summer night air!
Here is your very special Fourth of July themed Junkyard and Co list of songs to get you some play this holiday weekend. Enjoy, be safe, bone well and sing along.
Level: Sparkler, for Beginners
Iron and Wine - Such Great Heights – All it takes is an acoustic guitar and talk of star shaped eyes to get you two rolling in the sand…but beware: is the song is slow and she will be thinking of Garden State and hoping you think she is just as cute as Natalie Portman, and that this is a totally magical moment. She’s not. It’s not. Pick your battles.
John Mayer – anything – Singing about how you like our candy lips, pretty hair and exploring my body may work for some, but generally nothing is less sexy than adult contemporary. Sorry dudebro, we’re drunk and on the patio and this song is killing my ladyboner.
Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are / Marry Me – both songs are lit’rally written to get girls to take their clothes off. For some, this will totally work, but you should know there are risks: you will also be stuck listening to the song, which is bad enough, but then you will have to get her to stop singing along long enough to get your tongue in her mouth. Again, pick your battles.
Elliott Smith – Between The Bars – Round two of ‘all it takes is an acoustic guitar’, play this for any Boston girl who has seen Good Will Hunting and she will be all yours. That is, until she weeps on your shoulder for no reason and drinks herself into oblivion.
Level: Cherry Bombs, Firecrackers and all that pop
The Smiths – How Soon Is Now? – The beginning of this song is an open invitation to eye fuck a stranger across the bar until their clothes explode off their body. Practice your sultry walk today as to be ready for the weekend.
Interpol – Obstacle 1 – It’s hard but not too hard, and the ‘she puts the weights into my little heart’ part will get your makeout partner thinking that you already care. aww
Danzig – Sistinas – Stay with me here. I know I’m a rock star at heart but this song is totally hot, well paced and includes Glen’s beautifully painful whaling that will melt the panties off any girl in the room. Trust and try it.
INXS – Never Tear Us Apart – more upbeat but there is a sexy sax and you’ve got the image of Michael Hutchence working in your favor.
Level: Bottle Rocket (into my pants)
Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have – Trent Reznor’s voice has always melted the panties off the ladies, but this song in particular is an all around loin pleaser for every gender! Put it on and get ready to get some goth lovin’.
Usher – Love In This Club - Aside from the fact that Urr-shrr has the sexiest voice in pop music, this tune will have you humping anyone and anything you can find. Lucky for you, every one else is looking for a hump partner too!
The Rolling Stones / The Sundays – Wild Horses – Every girl loves a pony, or at least likes to ride one amirite? While the Stones version is the original and screams “i love rock and roll and I want you to ride my stallion”, the Sundays version will forever remind us of the fingerbang-on-the-rollercoaster ala Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon. So really, both are excellent choices.
Pixies – Where Is My Mind? - It’s raw, it’s sharp and it’s got a perfect beat for, well, you know. Best part is you can sing along while you are both ‘ooh ooh!-ing’ into the night!
Level: The Grand Finale, The Pants Shaker, The Socks Blower-Off-er
Chris Isaak - Wicked Game – It’s almost embarrassing to say that this song will, guaranteed, get you laid if played at the proper time. I don’t know why women are powerless against this song but I think it has something to do with the throbbing guitar riffs and absurdly sexy, sexy voice coming from the absurdly sexy, sexy man. Bonus: the image of Helena Christensen topless on the beach is never far from your mind!
Tenacious D – Fuck Her Gently – Every body loves someone with a sense of humor – play your cards right and you might be acting out this song in now time!
Des’ree – Kissing You - If you were a horny teenager in the mid 1990′s then you knew a girl fantasizing about Leonardo DiCaprio upon hearing this song. Put it on your playlist for a nice nostalgic touch sure to send her into Shakespeare quotes-and-gropes-fest in the back of your car.
Bruce Springsteen – I’m On Fire – Hey Bruce, so are my pants. Let’s do this.