And now, in not so breaking news, the state senate passed a bill that would allow casinos in Massachusetts and blah, blah, blah. You’ve heard it all before. And just like you, I could also really give two shits about it. I’ve only been gambling once and that was during an impromptu 2 a.m. trip to Windsor, Canada where I put exactly one quarter into a slot machine, pulled the lever, lost and declared my days as a gambler were officially over.
But what I DO give at least one shit about is all the murmuring going on about how there might be a loophole in the bill that would bring back happy hour.
Now, maybe for you natives, the fact that happy hour is illegal here is no big whoop. Par for the course. And for you young’uns, perhaps you’ve never known anything different. But let me tell you, as someone who has lived in various regions all across this great country, (and mind you, I’ve never been one prone to exaggeration) the fact that happy hour is illegal in not only Boston, but the entire damn state, is the worst trampling of basic human civil rights since we systematically slaughtered the Native Americans (possibly even worse).
I mean, even New York blogs make fun of us for this.
I can’t tell you how many of my best memories I can barely recall involve happy hour. For example, in college, there was a bar that had a $2 shot wheel from 3-7 every Thursday. You’d plunked your bills down (or in my case, change, lint, buttons and whatever else was in my pocket that resembled money), the bartender spun the wheel and whatever shot it landed on you’d throw back (even if it was the dreaded Cement Mixer). They also had $2 Long Island Ice Teas. Luckily, this coincided with a 7 p.m. Thursday class I had and let me tell you, that was the best media ethics class I ever took and barely passed.
I realize that the law was passed in the 1980′s because apparently yuppies and their banana-clipped bimbo girlfriends couldn’t handle dollar pitcher night without jumping into their DeLorean and driving home drunk while jamming to Air Supply. But let’s be fair. The binge drinking Masses of 2011 shouldn’t be punished for their neon-loving predecessors’ mistakes.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like the loophole is going to pass by unnoticed. But to the state senators, I say, $2 shot wheels are a right, not a privilege!
And in conclusion, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be brief. The issue here is not whether Boston drunks broke a few rules, or took a few liberties with the lives of pedestrians and other motorists--they did. But you can’t hold an entire state responsible for the behavior of a few inebriated douchebags who didn’t have the sense to scribble the number of a cab company on their forearm before leaving the house. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole bar scene system? And if the whole bar scene system is guilty, then isn’t this an indictment of our alcoholic institutions in general? I put it to you, Senators: isn’t this an indictment of everything our entire American society holds dear? Well, you can do what you want to the casino bill, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America.