MEET THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF SOUTH BOSTON

Sharon: “My Southie girls are the real deal, and everyone else can eat us out.”
Meet the Real Housewives of South Boston … in a drunk interview with Craig.
SO F*CKING FUNNY.

Massachusetts native girl gone west, Lucia Aniello, is a comedic writer/director and filmmaker. Since 2005, she’s been part of the improv and sketch comedy group, Upright Citizen’s Brigade Theater, along with her comedy partner Paul W. Downs who together have made some must-see hysterical short film productions.

Lucia and Paul have joined forces creating the comedy duo, Paulilu, making short films such as “Dildo Sport,” “Pitching Vanessa Williams,”  “Diary Of Zac Effron,” “Hey Guys!” with Jessica Alba and “Life After Emmy,” featuring Jeremy Piven, which can all be seen at LuciaAniello.com.

What makes their films genuinely funny is not only the writing, it’s the whole editing process.

“Comedy is timing. Editing is controlling the timing completely”.

Their latest project, The Real Housewives Of South Boston, is a clever and facetious, quite accurate, documented portrayal of the lifestyle of boozie, scrappish, yet charming, sometimes hunkish women who dream of being horse-hogged by their local hometown teams and heroes

… with class of course.

“Obviously there are lots of movies based around Boston and South Boston. I think when you take the ‘Real Housewives’ franchise and you plop it into South Boston, we immediately felt there were millions of characters to create and a million places for them to go and things they could do,” explains Lucia.

I asked Lucia if Housewives will expand from a web series project to television or even a  film?

“I think we’d love to make a really low-budget movie, but as of now we don’t really have any plans. We are discussing it though.”

I was privileged to find out that two of the Housewives were willing to sit with me and answer some questions. I got to speak with both Sharon and Amber of RHOSB about what it means to be “real” and from South Boston at the same time.

How was your Christmas and New years this year?

Sharon: Pretty good, I got wicked wrecked at Croke Park Whitey’s and woke up in the bathroom at a Hen House Wings and Waffles with a knife in my purse.

Amber: Christmas was full of love, kids, make outs, more kids and a date.  I mean, everyone has Christmas off, so there is no better time then late night Xmas to crack open a beer and a flesh present or two. New Years was the usual ass, ball, dick grab as it is every year.  So it rocked.

What’s your favorite cocktail?
Amber: Whatever the cutie at the end of the bar is buyin.  The end of the bar is where the off duty athletes stand, to be unnoticed.  But I ALWAYS notice.

You can’t get a pro ball handler past this pro ball handler.

So, what is the proper definition of  a “real” housewife of South Boston?
Amber: A real housewife of South Boston is always comin’ from the heart with a touch of balls to stomp ya, if you get outta line.

Sharon: My Southie girls are the real deal, and everyone else can eat us out.

You dirty Girls.  Any new drama in South Boston as of late?
Amber: Just one dumb dick who was wearin’ a Teblow. yes Teblow -- BJ king of the universe, shirt on the T.  I poured my Dunkins on him.  And told him to get a clue, no one does a commercial telling me what I can and can’t do with my body.  Especially no one who’s on a team that wears a fucking unicolor unitard on Sundays.  Get the fuck outta here.

Sharon, I didn’t realize you were blind in one eye, how did that happen?
Sharon: Well, I had originally injured it at Bennigan’s in a fight I had with most of the staff, but a recent herpes outbreak has only made it worse. I’m pretty much blind in that eye which sucks a big one.

It was because of  your bad eye that you took a home-run in the uterus? Explain more of that story.
Sharon: Ya. I went to catch a Manny Ramirez homer, but my right eye is fucked up so I missed

… but after the ball hit me in the uterus (which made me barren) I fought off a big black woman for the ball.

Ladies, What’s up with your friend, Chaffin, in Framingham State, the one who was raped by the wooden penis. How’d she get in there?
Sharon: Chaffin was put in jail for the first time for holding up a bank (she got caught because she was on crutches) but has been in and out about 15 times, starting from when we were juniors in high school …
Amber: … Chaffin’s just the friend everyone has in their crew.  You’ve known her since junior high, she taught you how to smoke, drink, give head and sneak into the Issi Stew Gardner Museum late night.  Chaff made some confusing illegal choices a little while back, but don’t worry she’ll be out soon.  Then, fuckin’ worry.

Craig: Send her my way when she’s out. I’ll help her with the splinters.

Well, You’re fairly attractive women, why do you drink so much and act like a bunch of dudes from Brockton, MA?
Sharon: Dudes from Brockton act like US.
Amber: Fuck you. Are you single or in a fight with your lady? Brockton? Fuck you. Seriously call me after 10:15 pm on my landline.

10:15? Ok, I will. Sorry. Didn’t mean to be an asshole. Sometimes I can’t help it…
Sharon: Yeah Terlino, what’s up with these khakis? You a fruitfly or what?

I got Levi’s on you whore, you are blind.

Sharon: (gasps)

I’m sort of a lucky guy right now being  next to two wholesome South Boston MILFs. You guys want to take a ride to the beach in my Iroc-z and listen to some Funky Bunch? It got tinted windows and  T Roofs…
Sharon: who you calling a MILF? I don’t have any kids (other than baby ball)
Amber: Come on buddy, do you think it’s 1992?  But seriously, how tinted are the windows?  If I pushed my butt against them could anyone see it as they drove by?  I mean, if they are too dark, what’s the point?  You know what I mean.

What beach is better Carson beach or Revere beach? Why?
Sharon: Carson Beach is better for partying (there are almost never cops there so you can pretty much bone on the beach if you want), but Revere is nice if you’re hungry -- Kelly’s is wicked delicious.

Amber: Carson beach is where I popped like 4 guys cherries, but Revere is where two of my kids were conceived so it’s a major toss up.

What?
Amber:  Hey, I know, whichever one becomes a legal topless beach first wins my vote.  Why didn’t Romney pass that one?

P.S. Roms…worst lay ever.

Who are your hometown heroes and why?
Sharon: Larry Bird because he proved white people can jump.
Amber: Marvin Hagler, Marky Mark and Robert Kraft. Oh and Dave Maynard.

What do you guys think of catching Whitey Bulger?
Amber: Wish I could have had one date with him.  I mean, the ciggie talk after the screw would probably have changed my life.

Is there anything you’d like to add here that I haven’t asked?
Amber:  Yeah, everyone needs to go down to Jackie’s Packie off of Route 34.
Sharon: They have wicked awesome sales on Newports.

Oh right, that’s  the Packie that’s next to the gas station on 34 that was  burned down by black kids?
Yeah, Please go.  Jackie will never stop plugging it, if more people don’t start going.  So for the love of Christ just go there and buy a sixer.  Oh, and buy a t-shirt too.  She won’t take hers off until she hits over 1,000 sold and she’s wicked ripe right now.  It’s rough.

1st episode: The housewives get together for the game.

2nd: The Housewives get together for the “Stankey Swap”