KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS, UMASS

Not a happy ending with UMass Amherst’s new No Masturbation policy.

If I were Dean Martha Baker, I’d hand out out free samples of Icy Hot disguised as skin cream. Teach those perverts where to drop their seed. Honestly though, it shows me how deviant and ignorant students can be sharing a common space. According  to one of my masturbatory friends, “I’ve never clogged any drains so I am very suspicious of this.” Maybe it’s an attempt to prevent any future Jerry Sandusky-like controversies. (Photo h/t Robert Siegelman)