MOTHERF-CKIN’ MIDDLEBOROUGH

WHY? F-CKING WHY??

Early this morning, a cartoon Middleborough man made his daily visit to the local 7-11 for a pack of Camel Crushes and some luke-warm coffee. Upon exiting the convenience store, he stubbed his pinky toe on a lead pipe that had been placed in the parking lot. On impulse, as any cartoon man or woman would surely do, he screamed,

“FUUUUUUUUU!”

Not only does this broken-toed character now walk with a limp, but he also is forced to shell out 20 buckaroos. Why?

FUCKING WHY??

Last night Middleborough residents passed a proposal from the police chief to make public profanity punishable by a $20 fine.

And while the fine won’t apply to private or “casual” conversations, it will apply to Rubinoff-drunk teenagers gallivanting the streets on the prowl for hookers and cocaine, as well as sober everyones, who are just trying to get through each miserable day-after-day, resisting the urge to literally say “FUCK IT,” leave their precious families, and get on the next flight to Panama.

According to news outlets, the ordinance awards police the discretion to ticket (much like issuing parking tickets) foul-mouthed individuals if they believe the “cursing ban” has been violated. It also gives police the right to wash these dirty scoundrels’ mouths out with soap of either the Dove or Rite Aid brand, depending on how vulgar, boisterous, and public the swear was.

Sorry, FU Nyan Cat, hand over one Mr. Jackson.

In other news, The Dig staff are currently being fined $1 million, to retroactively make up for the plethora of public swearing we do, and for a number of @haveyoumetter’s Tweets.