You guys smell that?
That lingering scent in the air?
That, my friends, is the smell of the unwashed youthful masses leaving school and flooding the streets of Boston.
Summer. Is. Here.
For those of you who have just graduated, let me just say congratulations and that I look forward to working for you someday.
Of course, now that you have graduated, that means you have to enter the “real world” like the rest of us (that is, unless you happen to be a freelance writer, in which case, you can continue wearing pajamas all day and eating Twix and Red Bull for breakfast).
Which is why your Auntie Trollop wants to share with you what you really need to take away from your classes in order to function in this strange, new world.
Screw calculus. The only practical math skills you need now are how to solve the following word problem:
Six friends go out to dinner. Three of them order two cocktails apiece, one orders a beer, one orders around nine or so drinks but it’s hard to keep track because they are now dancing alone in the corner and Susie, who is totally THAT friend, only gets water and a salad. If half the group only has debit cards and the other half only has cash, how do you divide up the bill evenly? Keep in mind that Mike, the guy who ordered the nine drinks, is now passed out.
They may have been the geeks in school but trust me, you’ll want to marry them now. They’re gonna be rich and will be the ones who can fix your computer when the thing-y is doing that thing again and you did that one thing but it didn’t work and then the screen went all crazy and blu-ish.
Learn the difference between your/you’re, there/their/they’re, and it/it’s. Because when you use those wrong, even if it’s on the Internet, we judge you. HARSHLY.
Although most of history is a “same shit, different era” kind of deal, at least learn the basics of the major U.S. wars. Those men and women died for your dumbass. The least you can do is know when and why and not end up on one of Letterman’s street interviews.
Don’t bother unless you happen to be really good at it. Otherwise you’ll just end up sounding like that douchey American who over-pronunciates and actually orders things in Spanish at Chipotle.
Dodgeball in the real world is much more of a mental game. It now consists of dodging back-handed compliments and passive-aggressive behavior from your boss and catching and lobbing back insults from your bitter and socially inept co-worker.
Always pursue your passion. But also become really good at making coffee.
Happy summer, everyone!!!