OH, CRUEL WORLD!: DUCK HUNT

ILLUSTRATION BY CONER CORBETT

Dear Boston Parks and Recreation Department,

When are you going to start shooting the geese on the Back Bay Fens?

Walk across the Fens from Park Drive to Jersey Street and you will see over fifty geese. And for each goose, there will be a corresponding pile of goose shit. These waterfowl are aptly named—they are literally fouling our parks and waterways.

Not content with spoiling the Fens, these rats with webbed feet are now invading the lawns in front of the MFA and ISG Museum. One cannot walk, run, throw a Frisbee, or ride a bike anywhere near the Emerald Necklace without encountering bird feces. And forget about spreading a blanket to sun yourself or have a picnic.

The whole area smells like a fucking barnyard.

I saw one goose tagged with a numbered plastic sleeve around its neck—that’s a great start. All you have to do is put similar tags on all the geese and keep tightening.

If pet owners have to scoop up dog waste, Boston should do something about these vile, marauding illegal aliens from Canada.

Sincerely,

Heartbroken fan of Olmsted’s vision