Since losing the weight, I got a new job. I’m pretty spoiled there and insanely happy. Considering where I was working before, it’s a massive step up and I also don’t have the weight holding me back professionally (But that’s a story for another time). Would I rather earn a paycheck by writing for a living? Of course! But until that day happens (doubtful), the kid has to work for the man and deal with wannabe-elitist shit bags sometimes.
The thorn in my side at the office is dealing with Apple store employees. They’re the reason why I will never buy an Apple computer and it pains me that they have received cash from me numerous times (I do love my iPod & my iPhone.). But they’re miserable, sheisty douches. I’m sorry if I’m alienating readers by making a statement like that and I’m sure you’re all lovely human beings.
But I do refer to that store as ‘Satan’s Asshole’ whenever someone asks me where I’m going.
But enough of the hate fest, let me tell you about my most recent interaction with them.
I’m not going to say which location I went to; I don’t want to blow up anyone’s spot. But I had to bring in a laptop and interact with a ‘Genius’. The gentleman who was assisting me was quite pleasant and easy on the eyes. He was chatty – but not obnoxious and moved relatively quickly. The ‘Genius’ went above and beyond the call of duty, snuck me some freebies and it was honestly, the first time I didn’t want to run out of the store screaming. 9 times out of 10, the sentence: ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’ is uttered whenever I’m there.
Now, I will admit – I flirted with him (when he flirted with me) and I probably shouldn’t have. But as I’ve said before, it’s not like I’m beating them off with a stick. I do pretty well – but if I see an opportunity, I’m going to take it.
So I was in there for almost an hour and we chatted while he worked. I was feeling good about myself and doing my best to look good and not like the shit bag some of you know
me as. I know I’m happy and whatever – but I’m kind of an ass. I laugh at horrible things, I make horrible jokes – if there is a hell, I’ll probably end up there. But at least I know there will be like-minded people and I’ll have fun.
So while my self-esteem was on cloud 9, the ‘Genius’ asked if it was possible to get my number and if I was interest in going out sometime. This is where it all goes to shit.
When he asked me his questions, I turned into a dumb, shy girl. I turned bright red and stammered when I talked and did whatever I could to not look him in the eye. While looking down at the laptop and I took a glance at his hands. I needed something to concentrate on, so I could calm down and that didn’t happen. While I was focusing on his hands, I noticed something shiny and silvery. Yep. Homeboy had ring and not any ring. It was a wedding band.
It’s not the first time this has happened to me. I’m not proud of that, but we all have our dirty, little secrets…some more than others. Yes, back when I was cow like – I dated whatever showed the slightest bit of interest in me and for some reason, they were married men. I mean, I understand why – I’m not dumb. I was ripe for the picking and I was the last person any wife would have expected. And if they did find out – I was doing them a favor. I was a wake-up call and they ended up working on their marriage and living happily ever after. OK that’s a stretch.
I know I should respect the sanctity of marriage and I do. But I was in a weird place B.G.B. (Before Gastric Bypass) and p.s. when you weigh 448 – you take what you can get. You learn
to settle and I wasn’t going into it thinking we’re going to run off together and live happily ever after. The kid has needs and I was going to take what I could get.
But since losing the weight, I’ve been doing everything I can, to make sure Alice doesn’t fall down that rabbit hole again. I mean, I’d like to bring a guy home to meet my parents. I know it’s silly – but I know my parents would like to see I’m living life to the fullest now and taking advantage of every opportunity possible. Just not opportunities that are married and have wives who like to call you at 3am and reminds you of the obvious (‘you’re a home wrecker’ and ‘you’re a whore’). Which I was, so yeah.
So back to the ‘Genius’. I looked up at him, after focusing on the ring and said ‘No’.
Him: “Really? I thought you’d say ‘yes’. I think we’d have a lot of fun.”
Me: ‘’Oh I’m sure. But I don’t think your wife would appreciate us having fun.”
It got awkward after that and whatever we had, got tossed in the trash. Oh well. The last thing I need is to be in a relationship with some married asshole, whose answer for everything starts off with ‘Well, at Apple we….’. That would just lead me to have domestic violence charges filed against me and to be honest, I look horrible in orange.
If that doesn’t prevent you from committing a crime, I don’t know what will.