So this is half-stale news by now, but half-stale means…half-ripe! And the longevity of news is subject to that whole “squeezing lemon juice upon” effect when it’s as kickass as this letter and includes the statement “they won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.”
Never a huge fan of football/baseball/anything remotely sports related, I usually give less than .23 fucks when it comes to athletes doing athlete/ non-athlete things.
But when I heard about and read this letter written by Minnesota Vikings punter (punter…??) Chris Kluwe to Maryland state asshole Emmett C. Burns Jr. nearly two weeks ago, I found love in a hopeless place.
The backstory is that this linebacker (linebacker…??) from the Baltimore Ravens named Brendon Ayanbadejo voiced his support for same-sex marriage a while back. In response, Burns wrote a letter of his own to Ravens owner Steve Bisciotti pressuring him to “inhibit such expressions from your employee.” The below letter, best read in full and preferably almost screaming, in an extremely quiet location, is Kluwe’s response to Burns. We can’t be certain if the ass-kicking will make any significant change in terms of gay marriage, or even in terms of Burns’s closed mind, but it’s an eloquently written and all-around primo read nevertheless.
Dear Emmett C. Burns, Jr.,
I find it inconceivable that you are an elected official of the United States government. Your vitriolic hatred and bigotry make me ashamed and disgusted to think that you are in any way responsible for shaping policy at any level. The views you espouse neglect to consider several fundamental key points, which I will outline in great detail:
1. As I suspect you have not read the Constitution, I would like to remind you that the very first amendment in this founding document deals with the freedom of speech, particularly the abridgment of said freedom. By using your position as an elected official (when referring to your constituents in order to implicitly threaten the Ravens organization) to argue that the Ravens should silence Brendon Ayanbadejo from voicing his support for same-sex marriage,
not only are you clearly violating the First Amendment, but you come across as a narcissistic fromunda stain.
What on Earth would possess you to say something so mind-boggingly stupid? It baffles me that a man such as yourself, a man who relies on that same First Amendment to pursue your own religious studies without fear of persecution from the state, could somehow justify stifling another person’s right to free speech. To call that “hypocritical” would be to do a disservice to the word. “Mindfuckingly, obscenely hypocritical” starts to approach it a little bit.
2. You wrote, “Many of your fans are opposed to such a view and feel it has no place in a sport that is strictly for pride, entertainment and excitement.” Holy fucking shitballs. Did you seriously just say that, as someone who is, according to your Wikipedia page, “deeply involved in government task forces on the legacy of slavery in Maryland”? Have you not heard of Kenny Washington? Jackie Robinson? As recently as 1962 the NFL still had segregation, which was only done away with by brave athletes and coaches daring to speak their mind and do the right thing, and you’re going to say that political views have “no place in a sport”? I can’t even begin to fathom the cognitive dissonance that must be coursing through your rapidly addled mind right now; the mental gymnastics your brain has to tortuously contort itself through to make such a preposterous statement are surely worthy of an Olympic gold medal
(the Russian judge gives you a 10 for “beautiful oppressionism”).
3. This is more a personal quibble of mine, but why do you hate freedom? Why do you hate the fact that other people want a chance to live their lives and be happy, even though they may believe in something different from what you believe, or act differently from you? How does gay marriage affect your life in any way, shape, or form? Are you worried that if gay marriage became legal, all of a sudden you’d start thinking about penis? (“Oh shit. Gay marriage just passed. Gotta get me some of that hot dong action!”) Will all your friends suddenly turn gay and refuse to come to your Sunday Ticket grill-outs? (Unlikely. Gay people enjoy watching football, too.)
I can assure you that gay people getting married will have zero effect on your life.
They won’t come into your house and steal your children. They won’t magically turn you into a lustful cockmonster.
They won’t even overthrow the government in an orgy of hedonistic debauchery because all of a sudden they have the same legal rights as the other 90 percent of our population, rights like Social Security benefits, childcare tax credits, family and medical leave to take care of loved ones, and COBRA health care for spouses and children. You know what having these rights will make gay Americans? Full-fledged citizens, just like everyone else, with the freedom to pursue happiness and all that that entails. Do the civil-rights struggles of the past 200 years mean absolutely nothing to you?
In closing, I would like to say that I hope this letter in some small way causes you to reflect upon the magnitude of the colossal foot-in-mouth clusterfuck you so brazenly unleashed on a man whose only crime was speaking out for something he believed in. Best of luck in the next election; I’m fairly certain you might need it.
P.S. I’ve also been vocal as hell about the issue of gay marriage, so you can take your “I know of no other NFL player who has done what Mr. Ayanbadejo is doing” and shove it in your closed-minded, totally-lacking-in-empathy pie hole.