KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.
Dear K & A: Here’s a question that my girlfriends and I sometimes struggle to answer rationally. When is the appropriate time to sleep with the new guy?
KEN SAYS: Your question is a stark reminder of the difference between the sexes. Because I don’t think, in the history of mankind, there has ever been a guy who has wondered, “How long should I wait until asking my new girlfriend to use my face as her personal barcalounger?” For us, it’s always GO TIME, whether we’ve been dating you for weeks or just met you in line at the post office.
And we rarely let things like “feelings” or “concern that we might not be able to last more than 25 seconds” get in our way. At least I don’t.
Honestly, I’m not sure there’s a “right” answer to this question. If you’re referring to him as “the new guy” I assume it’s not some dude you picked up at last call at the Cask and that he might be someone you’re considering a relationship with. In that case, you can go ahead and do that bizarre thing where you make a guy wait for weeks or months on end (commonly referred to as “getting to know someone”--fucking nuts, right?).
Or you can just cut the BS and answer the second most important question in any relationship: “Will I enjoy boning this person on a regular basis?”
(The first most important question, of course, is, “Are his/her parents rich?”)
In defense of the latter, if you get to that stage quickly and don’t hear church bells and singing birds and the Polyphonic Spree’s “Light and Day” the minute you start getting it on, at least you can cease wasting your time and move on to the next potential big thing. Because if I don’t hear the Polyphonic Spree when I’m screwing, lady, it just ain’t worth it.
Oh, and if you’re hesitant to ask him because you’re afraid he might say “no,” don’t worry. He won’t. Unless you’re dating Nathan Lane.
ARIEL SAYS: When is it a good time to sleep with a guy? I’d say Miller time, party time, nap time, breakfast time, lunch time, laundry time, time for your next dental cleaning. You get me?
On the other hand, many experts insist that there’s a proper gestational period that every relationship needs before consummation, ranging anywhere from three dates to three months.
But to them I say, “Ha! I know several relationships and MARRIAGES that began once upon a drunken, one-night stand!”
And then they say, “How’s that stable, long-term relationship working for you, Ariel? Oh yeah, I forgot, you’re single!” And then I yell, “By CHOICE, bitches!” And so on.
See, my problem with waiting is, what if you waited and waited and waited and the sex was really bad? As in, “I’d have a better chance at an orgasm watching The Cosby Show” bad. How the hell do you get out of it gracefully at that point? Can you imagine, on your wedding night, realizing you’ve been doomed to a life of indentured servitude to a two-pump chump? Not cool.
So I say the appropriate time to sleep with the new guy is whenever the fuck it feels right to you.
For some, that might just require two Alabama Slammers and an empty bathroom stall. For others, it may be a slow build up to a bed strewn with rose petals like they do on Lifetime. You gotta figure out where your head is at and be honest about what you truly want.
And if you do happen to achieve the full package—a long-term relationship and mindblowing sex—help a sister out and let me know if that guy has a brother.