KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.
Dear Ken and Ariel: My girlfriend is awesome in every sense of the word. She’s funny, pretty, kind and considerate and gets along with my parents. My only complaint is that she gives a really lame blowjob. I mean the worst I’ve ever had. Any suggestions for how to fix this?
“Fix” this? As in have your girl sent back to the warehouse so that the “killer head” circuitry can be rewired? We’ll get right on that, champ.
Right after I send my last few girlfriends over to have the “aversion to having a guy’s tongue up her ass” chip removed.
Of course, I joke. But let me ask you this, and as a red-blooded man it pains me to ask this: are blowjobs all that important? Maybe she gives an out-of-this-world handjob (I mean, better than one you’d give yourself). Or maybe she rocks a reverse cowgirl that would make all the debutantes in Houston green with envy. Or maybe she’s willing to dress up as Catwoman to fulfill that fantasy that’s been rattling around your head for decades.
Perhaps a better question is this: How good is the oral you’re giving her?
What if your girl has got some porn-star caliber BJ skills hidden beneath that mom-approved exterior, and she’s just aching for a little “inspiration” to let them out. Are you putting your tongue to work for her benefit? Working her with that mouth like a candidate in desperate need of her vote? Are you so eager to tongue-screw her into eye-glazing delirium that you’ve accidentally ingested at least four pairs of her panties? (Been there, done that, and trust me, the only bitch is passing the elastic waistband.)
Unless you’re working her like her pussy is a castle and your tongue a mob of antsy vikings, you’ve got no reason to complain.
So lay her down (or have her steady herself against a chair or table or the self-service counter at Walmart, whatever works) and show her what intense, blow-your-fucking-mind-out oral is all about. Hopefully, she’ll see the light, and want to reciprocate.
If not, on the bright side, your jaw will probably re-align itself in about a week.
Jeez, you want a girl who’s pretty, funny, gets along with your parents AND gives spectacular head? Well, I’d like world peace, a Bentley Coupe and to be the all-babe patty in a Jason Statham-Jesse Williams Big Mac.
Can you make it happen?
Joking aside, I’m happy that you’ve found a girl who knows how to use a steak knife, deliver a killer punch line, and discuss Dr. Oz with your mom. Is the blow-job suckiness (pun intended) a deal breaker? Oral sex does not necessarily have to enter into the equation of a physically thrilling experience. Just ask my grandma, who saw Cirque du Soleil’s “Ovo” three times in a row. There are other ways pleasure and stimulate all five senses, some involving orifices that don’t have 32 fairly sharp teeth.
But if you’re determined to find girlfriend Nirvana, I’m here to help.
Next time you lovebirds are in a playful mood, try slathering your junk with ice cream, chocolate syrup, butterscotch topping and whipped cream and asking her to lick it off.
Tell her she doesn’t have to put it in her mouth; she can simply work her way all around the awesome flesh monument of your manhood. (And from what I’ve heard about you, it may take her a while. You’re welcome.)
Such experimentation will hopefully inspire her to find new and creative ways to put her tongue to work on you. If not—and let’s face it, if she’s not into it, neither one of you is going to enjoy it—at least you finally cleaned out that goddam fridge.