KEN and ARIEL are unemployed bloggers with degrees in English Lit. Naturally, they dispense sex and relationship advice.
DEAR KEN AND ARIEL: I’ve been dating the same guy for eight years and have just one complaint: his head swivels like it’s on a pivot whenever a girl in a short skirt walks by. I’m pretty secure but, still, is there anything I can do to get him to stop checking out other women?
KEN SAYS: Get your boyfriend to stop looking at other women? Why don’t you shoot for something a little easier? Like getting him to stop sprouting wings and fighting alongside the X-Men every weekend to keep our world safe from alien invaders and Clancy Brothers cover bands?
I joke, of course, because, like the X-Men and aliens and a decent steak under twenty bucks, the Straight Man Who Doesn’t Check Out Other Women does not actually exist. In fact, in the course of my miserable life, I’ve only encountered one guy whose eyes didn’t bug out of his head cartoon-style every time a fine looking woman passed him by. That, of course, was my Uncle Nate. But since he was carved entirely out of wood, we really can’t count him at all.
If it makes you feel better, take solace in the fact that looking at other women is just something guys are hard-wired to do.
It’s almost involuntary, like blinking, disliking Nickelback or convincing ourselves we can pull off the bowling shirt.
I don’t know why my head gets pulled toward every woman who walks past me in impossibly tight jeans, but I imagine it’s the same sort of gravitational bullshit that keeps the Earth moving around the sun. And who the fuck am I to question science?
So your man likes to check out other women. Does that mean he’s also mentally banging them in the parking garage behind Bukowski’s, fingering them furiously on a lonely green line car or going down on them for hours while they writhe on his fresh-pressed bed linens? Of course it does! We’re guys, for christ’s sake. But so long as it’s all taking place in the confines of his head, why let it ruin your Sunday?
Oh, and here’s something to consider: If you’re sitting on his face, he can’t check out other women.
ARIEL SAYS: Sweetie, trying to stop your guy from checking out other women may indeed be as futile as asking the sun not to shine or teaching the Kardashian sisters simple math. Because it goes against a man’s biological imperative, which, of course, is to inseminate the entire female population, preferably before Monday Night Football. Meanwhile, our biological imperative is to find a suitable mate to create healthy, genetically-blessed offspring.
Judging from what’s available on most internet dating sites, I’d say I’m more likely to open a Jiffy Lube on Pluto.
Anyway, you may want to give the poor dude a break, since, as far as I can tell, what he’s doing seems fairly harmless. Unless he’s causing women to seek restraining orders after being eye-fucked or he’s cruising Uncle Hector’s funeral for potential grief-stricken tail. Then you’ve got a problem.
But just looking? Like Ken suggests, that’s what guys are hard-wired to do. If it bothers you that much, ask him to stop. If that doesn’t help, you could try something a little more subtle, like plastering your bedroom walls with pictures of Lorena Bobbitt.
My suggested course of action, however, is to just sit back and soak up some eye candy of your own.
Because nothing lessens the sting of your man’s straying eyes like four hours of sizing up Jeffe the Cabana Boy.