There’s a point in every girls when she needs to take things into her own hands. Some people figured these things out later in life and some people are advanced. I was advanced and wear that title proudly. When you are advanced, you’re the one that people come to for help.
And when you’re advanced, you tend to take a lot of trips and introduce them to the vast array of DIY appliances that are available out there to be used and if you’re really lucky, you get a blog entry out of it and your ten’s of readers can get a good laugh at the time you take your friend to buy her first vibrator.
If you’re like me, you don’t mind and if anything, it’s an opportunity for you to update your collection, make them uncomfortable and that’s worth the price of admission right there.
Taking someone to their first sex shop is great. Have you seen the people in there? With the exception of you, your friends, the employees and a few good citizens with healthy sexual appetites—the vast majority of the people in there are more than likely on some sort of a watch list or they’re reminded every Halloween that they can’t answer the door. So leave the candy and treats at the store, Tom.
‘Listen, you’re the only one I can really talk about this stuff to and it’s taken me a long time to get the confidence to ask you. So can you shut up for a minute and not make me regret this?’
‘Sure, go nuts. What do you need from me?’
‘Where do you go, if you want to buy a vibrator? I thought about buying one online, but I don’t want them to know where I live.’
‘Well, it’s not like they’re going to come along for the ride and camp out under your window, waiting to get the images of you using your precious for the first time, Frodo. That rarely happens. Oh and by the way everything that’s mail-order is way more expensive than it is in the stores. So don’t do that. Be a big girl and go to Amazing.’
‘Will you come with me?’
‘Yes. I will go with you and I will allow you to use to the Internet to find out how to use it. There are thousands and thousands of ‘How To’ videos on RedTube and they’d probably do a better job than I would.’
‘This is why you have no friends.’
Which is probably true, but I’ve found a group of tens of people who find shitty jokes and porn amusing. So that’s a plus. Not many people have that going for them and have had death wishes wished upon them from a nameless wonder who’s more than likely paid for sex with spare change. You have to admit the idea of some sad creature carrying a pillow case of quarters, dimes and nickels to whatever chlamydia-filled fleabag hotel for an hour or two (big spender!) of shame sex is amusing.
Back to the first timer! If you’re going to do something like this—Route 1 is the best place to do it. The customers can be extra creepy over there sometimes. I don’t know if it’s due to the strip clubs or if it’s in the water. But you’d definitely run away if stuck in an alley with some of their patrons. The one in Medford is decent, but every time I’ve gone over there—I’ve almost been stabbed by a lady boy, who’s dressed up as a less-put-together JT LeYoy.
I have a weird thing about keeping all of my limbs. I know I’m selfish.
Now, a normal person would take the bull by the horns, walk right in and start the shopping process. The newbie decided she needed a moment or two to mentally prepare herself for what she’s about to do.
‘Christ almighty, it’s a vibrator. You’re not about to infiltrate Pablo Escobar’s Medellin compound! Oh did you know Pablo was into young girls? Even dead, he wouldn’t be into us. There’s no hope for us. Let’s end it all right here, right now. Death by dildo? That’s romantic, right?’
‘I hate you.’
Special thank you to the couple that had filthy, cramped car sex next to us, you sped up the process and got her moving quickly. She’d still be there if it wasn’t for you. God bless.
It’s always amusing when you first walk into one of those stores, everyone looks at you for a moment and judges and then they realize, they’re in the same place and look down at whatever item they’re perusing and the shame spiral begins.
‘You know, the more you cling onto me—the more they’re going to think we’re an item and do you really what them thinking about me violating you?’
‘Wait…why am I the bottom in this scenario? Why am I always the bottom? Why can’t I be on top?’
‘If you do, you have to wear this.’ *tosses strap-on harness at her*
And that’s how you make a first impression.
Traumatizing people during their first visit to a sex shop probably isn’t the ideal way of introducing someone to the world of self-love.
But it’s hysterical and you’re giving the staff a giggle while they test out toys before they’re purchased and clean bodily fluids and fingerprints off of the rental dvds of ‘Das Booty’ and ‘Dial M for Mangina’. On a side note, with the miracle of modern science known as Internet porn, why do people even still rent porn?
You guide your friend past the group of men who all look like teachers you had in high school and the comedian, Eddie Pepitone (he’s hysterical and you really should check him out—please don’t be offended if you see this. I’m a piece of shit.), and introduce her to the wall. Sure there’s the smaller tables filled with goodies, but those are for the ladies who know what they’re doing or they’re filled with throw-away bullshit that you’ll use once and forget you even have
or you’ll find it while cleaning out your drawer and suddenly notice your all of your underwear is covered in grape flavored lube. Not that it’s ever happened before.
‘Well, what do you use?’
‘I’m in the gifted program and kind of dead on the insides, so I don’t think you want what I have.’
We were in there for almost an hour. She at one point tried to look and see if there was a Consumer Reports piece on what vibrator she should get. It would be a best seller! ‘MORE BANG FOR YOUR BUCK’ by Ralph Nader and Ryan Keely (*NSFW* She’s hot and she did some great reviews on Fleshbot, Ralph!). He’s weeping somewhere knowing how much money he could make or he’s sitting somewhere, looking tired and wondering if it’s too late to axe Jill Stein and get on the ballot.
While my friend looked at vaginal accessories, I snuck away and took a look at the pipes and porn.
Listen, if you’re going to shove something in one hole, might as well take care of the top holes too.
You know in all of the Tex Avery cartoons when the wolf would see an attractive lady, that’s how I felt when I went to look at the movies. Listen, I know what I look like and Christina Hendricks I’m not – but when you’ve been looking at images of money shots and spread assholes, even I end up looking fuckable.
‘I’ve made my decision!’
She held up her selection like she was Luke brandishing his light saber … Han & Boba Fett were always hotter. Ok, I don’t have proof Boba Fett was hotter. But he was a bad ass, so there ya go. Shut up and leave my fantasies featuring me on the Millennium Falcon alone.
‘This is the one, I looked at the reviews online and asked the girl behind the counter and this is the one for me.’
Who knew market research was so popular in the sex toy industry?
How long before the people of Hitachi follow McDonalds’s lead and add ‘Over 1 Million Served!’ to the boxes of the Magic Wand?
For the nosey bastards out there, she used it and loved it. She actually called me up afterwards and yelled at me for taking her sooner to get one. Great, I’m the masturbation whisperer.
Now who’s going to play me in the movie? Call me and we’ll talk, Vivid.