This is why we just can’t have nice things, Boston.
1. Mom with luxury stroller- That’s great that you can afford a stroller the size of a Hummer for Baby Zsa Zsa over there, but you’re taking up too much room and blocking everyone’s access to get on or off the train easily. And I’m sorry you’re annoyed that no one is getting up to give you their seat, but just because you popped out a demon spawn doesn’t make you special. Crackheads can have babies too. Oh and P.S., you mom’s out there with the luxury double strollers for your one-year-old and three-month-old: It’s called birth control. I’m not moving for you either.
2. Gang of junior high kids- I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you just got out of school and are apparently fueled by six Red Bulls and 52 pounds of gummy worms. But no one honestly believes that Tammy the eighth-grader went down on you in the janitor’s closet so shut the hell up.
3. Guy rapping along to his own “demo” mix- No one is impressed, dude. No. One.
4. Woman with giant purse, which apparently needs its own seat during rush hour- There is a special place in hell for people like you.
5. Hobo that smells like pee- I get it. Times are hard. But next time, try peeing in the alleyway right beside the T as opposed to in your pants while on the T.
6. Young couple in love- I’m assuming she’s probably banging someone else on the side hence the desperate display of love and affection but come on, guys, keep it in the bathroom of the basement dive bar like everybody else.
7. Dude who keeps loudly telling his sob story and asking for $15 because he needs to get a state ID or he won’t be able to sign the lease on his apartment and the office that gives out the ID closes in 20 minutes which means he can’t get home to get money for said ID so if you could just spare some money to help him out otherwise he’ll be homeless and normally he’d never do anything like this but this is an emergency.
8. Douchebag on cell phone yelling “I’M ALMOST TO DOWNTOWN CROSSING! WHAT? NO, DOWNTOWN CROSSING! WHERE ARE YOU? DUDE, I SAID ‘WHERE ARE YOU?’ NAW, MAN, LIKE PROBABLY FIVE MINUTES. WHAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU.”
9. Woman eating McDonald’s- Great. Now we all get to smell like slightly burnt fries. Thanks.
10. Creepy silent starer- Hey man, I can feel your gaze on me. And every time I try stealthily to look up to see if you’re still staring, BOOM! you are. Learn the rules of polite society, dicknose, and awkwardly look down at the floor like the rest of us.