TOUCH THE WONDER: CHOOSE YOUR OWN MISADVENTURE!

Remember those excellent Choose Your Own Adventure Books you read when you were a kid?

You know, those books that were interactive and written in second-person and you got to determine the choices your character made and stuff? Yeah, weren’t those swell? Tell you what,

in lieu of my usual Touch The Wonder column, what do you say we all play a grown up version of one of those gamebooks?

Cool. Alright, my dear wonderlings get ready, just read along and when you get to the part that asks you “What do you do?” pick one of the numbered choices. Then scroll down and follow it to the next part of your story.

And be careful, you are about to enter a world of dangerous celebrities, sexually deviant inanimate objects, food trucks with crap pun names; and numerous unintended grammatical errors.

Let’s get started:

You’re at work (drag) and there’s nothing to do (nice). You’re staring at your computer screen but the Internet is down (super drag) … when you notice an unread e-mail in your inbox. The subject says, “URGENT!!! YOUR IN DANGER!!!! READ NOW!!!!”  And yes, “you’re” is misspelled as “your,” just like that.

What do you do?

1: Read the urgent email.

2: Try to find some work to do.

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1)

You click on the email and read:

“Everyone knows that shaving a wizard will greatly reduce his power. A wizard’s beard, obviously, holds the most power. But one shouldn’t overlook his bushy eyebrows and furred knuckles. Many who have successfully managed to shave a wizard’s long flowing beard or somehow finagled the wizard into shaving it himself have then been taken by a false sense of security in thinking they have completely disarmed their foe. The shrewd and enraged wizard will then attack them with what magic remains from his eyebrows and knuckles. If he is a swarthy type of wizard, and many of them are, he may also hold a reserve of rich, thick, back hair with which to harness even more of his terrible power. Now that you know this go outside and attack the first wizard you see… for your in danger! A low level wizard will be waiting for you outside.”

Again the “your” in “you’re in danger” is misspelled.

What do you do?

3: Follow the instructions and go outside and look for a low level wizard to attack.

4: Ignore this odd and misspelled email and instead stay indoors, wizard free, and attempt to get some actual work done.

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2)

You ignore the email and get up to find your boss and ask if there’s anything else for you to do. But before you get to her office you notice that the clock on the wall says 12:30 p.m., which means lunch break time (Yay!). Then you realize you forgot to pack a lunch like you usually do (Sadness).

What do you do?

5: Try your luck with the ancient looking company vending machine for a tasty snack.

6: Leave work and go outside to see which food trucks are nearby today.

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3)

You go outside and look for a low level wizard to attack. There are two likely targets. One is a homeless man with a long, flowing, grey beard hunched over a shopping cart full of used aluminum cans. The other is a skinny, dodgy, looking stoner with an atrocious nu-metal braided beard that is smoking one of those electronic cigarettes.

What do you do?

7: Approach the homeless man.

8: Approach the stunt double for the bass player of System Of A Down.

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4)

You ignore the email and get up to find your boss and ask if there’s anything else for you to do. But before you get to her office you notice that the clock on the wall says 12:30pm, which means lunch break time. (Yay!) Then you realize you forgot to pack a lunch like you usually do. (Sadness)

What do you do?
5: Try your luck with the ancient looking company vending machine for a tasty snack.

6: Leave work and go outside to see which food trucks are nearby today.

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5)

You go to the old company vending machine. It’s festooned with dust and cobwebs. It’s so dirty you can’t even make out what sort of food is inside it. You can only make out shapes. Small shapes. You wipe off the bill acceptor and above it the screen which displays information. Instead of reading an instruction like, “insert bill now” or “select from menu” the display reads “make love to me”. You realize now that you have never used this machine before.

What do you do?

23: Insert your bill and make a selection. You’re hungry dammit.

24: No thanks pervy vending machine I think I’ll turn around and gets to stepping.

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6)

You step outside and notice two food trucks which are close by. One truck is white and labeled Adventure Thyme with Gin and Cake. The other truck is black and labeled The Crepes Of Wrath. Standing in front of the white truck you notice a skinny, somewhat “dodgy” looking stoner with an atrocious nu-metal braided beard that is smoking one of those electronic cigarettes. You’re suddenly quite hungry.

What do you do?

21: Pick the white truck, (ignore the bass player from System Of A Down) the one that’s labeled Adventure Thyme with Gin and Cake.

22: Pick the black truck, it’s labeled The Crepes Of Wrath.

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7)

You walk up to the old bearded man, he doesn’t seem to notice you and stares meditatively at his shopping cart full of shiny, crushed cans.

What do you do?

9: Attack! Using ninja precision grab an aluminum can from his collection, tear it in half and then use the shorn middle to attempt to slice and cut off the old (totally a wizard) man’s beard.

10: Before attacking just ask the guy if he’s actually some sort of shopping cart Gandalf?

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8

You figure that the Nu Metal braided beard guy is the low level wizard and start walking toward him. He starts staring back at you as you approach and you start to wonder how you’re supposed to shave off his beard. The Nu Metal Bearded Guy is beginning to smile at you and you stop walking towards him. You feel embarrassed and a little afraid of the guy for some reason now. You just stand there like a dork for another moment when from behind you hear a voice, “Get over here, you can’t possibly face him yet?”

You turn around and find the old Shopping Cart Gandalf guy standing behind you with his cart.  “Excuse me,” you ask.

“Follow me, get over here, away from him before he destroys you.” You listen for some reason and the old man leads back across the street away from Nu Metal, who as you look back seems to be ignoring you again. Shopping Cart Gandalf finds a patch of shade for you two to stand and talk in. Well, you stand, he rests against his shopping cart. “That was tremendously foolish of you. Do you know who I am?” he ask you.

“You wouldn’t happen to be a low level wizard, would you?” you ask him.

Shopping Cart Gandalf looks up at you and grins. “Of course not,” he tells you.

“Oh, sorry,” you say.

“I’m a high level wizard.”

“What?”

“Level seven actually,” he tells you. “You must be the chosen one.”

“The chosen one?”

“Did you get the email?”

“You’re a wizard and you use email?”

“A level seven wizard.”

“Well, then I guess that’s even more unbelievable. There were grammatical mistakes.”

Shopping Cart Gandalf looks a bit upset at this and stands up. “Look, I said I was a level seven wizard, I didn’t say I was a goddamn novelist. Besides, there is no error, it reads ‘your in danger’ because an “in danger” is a wizardly weapon that you must seek.”

“Because I’m the chosen one?” you ask.

“Yes.”

“And there’s a weapon called an in danger?”

“Yes, there is.”

“That’s a really unnecessarily confusing name for a weapon.”

“Especially a protective one at that,” he adds. “You don’t believe me? Here.” He reaches down into his shopping cart full of cans and after a moment emerges with a hairy object that looks like part of a wig.

“What is that?”

“It’s a wizard’s merkin. A chin merkin.”

“Come on.”

“It is! And you’ll need it in order to obtain the in danger.”

What do you do?

11: Put on the wizard merkin, why not? It came out of a hobo’s shopping cart, it looks safe.

12: Walk away from the crazy man and his faux chin pubes.

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9)

You lunge at the shopping cart and manage easily to remove a can. Next you take the can in your hands and start twisting and tearing it to create your wizard shaver. The old man finally seems to acknowledge your existence and he stands up straight and looks at you struggling to rip apart the can. “Did you really think that tearing the can was going to work?” he asks.

Smirking, he strokes his long grey beard and you begin to notice what’s happening to his eyes. His pupils are becoming bigger and blacker. And not in a Chris Rock comedy special kind of way. This is in a completely terrifying Oh shit, I guess wizards are real and apparently this old dude is a wizard and I shouldn’t have tried to swipe one of his soda cans and failed at using it to cut off his wizard energy filled facial hair.

His eyes are now entirely black and you drop the can. Before you can say anything or run away he opens his mouth and an arm of black flame emerges from it. You stand transfixed as this arm composed of crow colored fire hangs out of Shopping Cart Gandalf’s mouth in broad daylight and no one else seems to notice. The six fingers of the flamed hand open up, (you note how excessively strange this detail seems for an arm already made of fire and projected from a hobo’s mouth) and then grasp toward your face. You can feel the skin on your cheeks and forehead tighten as the hand gets near, it reminds you, rather innocuously, of how your skin feels when you roast marshmallows and sit a little bit too close to the fire. Then the six fingers of black fire clutch onto your skull and all coherent thought is lost. Swept up in a deluge of mental white noise and pain. Congratulations, you have been vaporized.

You have failed in your quest and your misadventure is over.

Scroll back to start over and try again, champ.

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10)

“Excuse me,” you ask. “You wouldn’t happen to be a low level wizard?”

Shopping Cart Gandalf looks up at you and grins. “Of course not,” he tells you.

“Oh, sorry,” you say.

“I’m a high level wizard.”

“What?”

“Level seven actually,” he tells you. “You must be the chosen one.”

“The chosen one?”

“Did you get the email?”

“You’re a wizard and you use email?”

“A level seven wizard.”

“Well, then I guess that’s even more unbelievable. There were grammatical mistakes.”

Shopping Cart Gandalf looks a bit upset at this and stands up. “Look, I said I was a level seven wizard, I didn’t say I was a goddamn novelist. Besides, there is no error, it reads ‘your in danger’ because an “in danger” is a wizardly weapon that you must seek.”

“Because I’m the chosen one?” you ask.

“Yes.”

“And there’s a weapon called an in danger?”

“Yes, there is.”

“That’s a really unnecessarily confusing name for a weapon.”

“Especially a protective one at that,” he adds. “You don’t believe me? Here.” He reaches down into his shopping cart full of cans and after a moment emerges with a hairy object that looks like part of a wig.

“What is that?”

“It’s a wizard’s merkin. A chin merkin.”

“Come on.”

“It is! And you’ll need it in order to obtain the in danger.”

What do you do?

11: Put on the wizard merkin, why not? It came out of a hobo’s shopping cart, it looks safe.

12: Walk away from the crazy man and his faux chin pubes.

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11)

Albeit reluctantly, you strap the wizard merkin to your chin. You now feel like an idiot. The wizard’s merkin feels like a cat that needs a bath hanging off your chin. But then something happens and you begin to sense its power as it surges through you.

“This really works, doesn’t it?” you ask.

“Oh, yeah.”

“And I’m really the chosen one?”

“Sure, why not?”

“But before you said I was the chosen one, that I was supposed to quest for the in danger thing?”

“Look, we sent out that email in mass, a lot of people could have answered it. But hey, it turned out to be you, yay.”

“You sent out a message for the chosen one using spam?”

“Buck up chosen one.” Gandalf then points toward the guy with the nu metal braided beard who’s standing in front of a food truck smoking an electronic cigarette. “That is the low level wizard the email warned you about. You see how weak and thin his beard is?” You nod. Gandalf continues, “That is because he does not have much power. Using your enchanted chin merkin you must do battle with him?”

“Why must I?” you ask.

“Because only if you defeat him will you be able to increase the power level in your faux facial hair. And only if you do that will you be able to achieve enough power to quest for the in danger.”

“And why do I need that again?”

“Trust me, when the time comes you’re going to be happy you have it.”

“So I’m just supposed to walk up and battle this guy?”

“You’re supposed to walk up, battle and kill that guy.”

You look at the old man with disbelief. “Kill him?”

“This isn’t Project fucking Runaway! Yes, you must kill him.”

Before you have a moment to reflect on this a white blast of electricity hurdling through the air strikes you in the chest. It doesn’t hurt so bad but it’s really annoying and it’s making your hair, your real hair, go all frizzy. You follow the trajectory of the blast and find it comes from the nu metal beard guy. The blast comes from his now completely white eyeballs, apparently he really is a low level wizard, and he sends another your way. Again it hits and is mildly irritating.

“Okay, how do I kill this jerk?” you ask.

“You need to cast an attack spell. In order to do so you must say the name of the greatest popular R & B singer currently still creating banging cuts.”

What do you do?

15: You say Beyonce, seems like a nice, safe answer.

16: You say Rihanna, (obviously) because when it comes to manufactured, disposable, living, breathing, pop music commodities, you might as well have the one that looks like the most fun.

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12)

You turn around and start heading back to work when the young guy with the nu metal braided beard marches right up to you, smiles, and then stands in your way.

Before you can tell him to move his eyes turn entirely white and little bolts of white electric energy shoot out of them and into your head. This hurts a lot. Shopping Cart Gandalf rushes to your side as you double over in pain and he straps the wizard merkin to your chin. It feels like a cat that needs a bath hanging off your chin but immediately you sense its power and you stand up. The Nu Metal Wizard sends another white eye blast your way but when it hits you it noticeably hurts less. He looks nervous now.

“What do I do, how do I use this thing?” you ask Gandalf.

“Shout the name of the greatest glam rock superstar of all time and you will be protected!”

What do you do?

13: Scream, “David Bowie.” (Obviously).

14: Bellow, “Freddie Mercury.” Then add, “Freddie Mercury, the early years to middle years, like circa ‘84.”

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13)

You say the words, “David Bowie.” And like that The Thin White Duke appears. Only he’s not in Thin White Duke regalia, he’s clad in Ziggy/Aladdin Sane era attire. But regardless, he looks fabulous. Oh, and he must be some sort of magical mental projection because unlike the regular David Bowie this one has the red lightning bolt jump off his face and incinerate the top half of the Nu Metal Wizard. The bottom portion of his body, mostly the legs, stands erect for a strange moment before finally collapsing. There isn’t much blood as Bowie’s blast seems to have cauterized the massive wound.

Bowie looks back at you and says, “Right, ashes to ashes then.” He winks and next thing you know he disappears.

You look at Gandalf and he says, “You are now a level 3 wizard, or at least your beard is. Now let’s get something to eat.”

You walk around what’s left of the low level Nu Metal Wizard’s body and look at the two food trucks parked nearby. Neither of the personnel in the trucks seems to notice or mind the half incinerated body lying just five feet away from where they do business. Gandalf tells you, “Pick the truck we order from.”

What do you do?

17: Pick the white truck, it’s labeled Adventure Thyme with Gin and Cake.

18: Pick the black truck, it’s labeled The Crepes Of Wrath.

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14)

You say, “Freddie Mercury, the good years,” and like that Freddie Mercury, looking like he just got off stage at Live Aid, emerges out of a blast of brilliant white light.

Freddie turns back to you and says, “Ready Freddie,” with a toothy and charming grin. Then he returns to the matter at hand. He brandishes his patened miniature mic stand, the one that’s about dick height, and with it he uses his four octave vocal range to sing some sort of operatic, wordless, magic spell.

Into the mic he sings, “Day day dad a dayyyyyyoooooo.”

The Nu Metal beard guy, seemingly under the spell, responds back singing the same thing, “Day day dad a dayyyyyyoooooo.”

Freddie sings even higher, “Day day dad dada day oooooday day day darrrrooooooodayyyyyy!”

Unable to stop himself Nu Metal follows his lead, “Day day dad dada day oooooday day day darrrrooooooodayyyyyy!”

Freddie grabs his mini mic, raising it up with one hand as he begins singing  even higher and more soaringly than before,  “DAYYAYYYYDYAOOOOOOOOOOHOHDEAY DAY DARRRROOOOOODAYA  DAY DAY DAY DO DO DAY DO DAU DAYYYYYYYYOOHHHHHH!” As he finishes on his diamond sharp note he shakes his fist in triumph over his head.

Nu Metal seems to be shaking his head in protest but can’t seem to prevent himself from trying to match Freddie. He sings, “DAYYAYYYYDYAOOOOOOOOOOHOHDEAY DAY DARRRROOOOOODAYA  DAY DAY DAY DO DO DAY DO DAU DAYYYYYYYYOOHH-” and before he can finish his head explodes like a can of beer left overnight in a freezer.

 With your enemy vanquished you and Gandalf join in and raise your hands in triumph as well. But then Freddie turns back to you and says, “I want it all, and I want it now!” From out of nowhere you began hearing the Highlander movie theme “Princes Of The Universe”, the one written by Queen. Next you see Freddie spread his arms as electrical energy cast down from the heavens surges into him.

“I was afraid of this,” Gandalf tells you.

“What’s happening,” you ask.

“Freddie is just too powerful, he’ll never be content being some low level wizard’s attack spell. And now that he’s receiving the quickening I rather doubt we’ll be able to stop him.”

“Can’t you do something, aren’t you a powerful wizard?” you ask.

“Sure, but he’s Freddie fucking Mercury. Imagine the talent, charisma and the sheer force of will it takes to become a pop star and living legend when you have a set of teeth like that.”

“Really, darling,” Freddie says. “Teeth jokes?”

“Sorry, Freddie,” Gandalf says. “Any chance we can talk about this?”

“Don’t stop me now,” Freddie answers. And with that terrible line he showers you with a blast of power. A blast of power that’s five times more intense than the fire at the heart of the sun. It disintegrates you.

You have failed your quest and your misadventure is over.

But don’t look too surprised, what did you think was going to happen? You think you can just keep Freddie Mercury on a leash? He’s the dude who talked trash about Star Wars and Jaws in the same song and still commands love and worship from me. (You might not know me, but I love Star Wars and Jaws to an unreasonably high degree.) Anyways, keep yourself alive, give it another shot.

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15)

You say Beyonce proudly. Shopping Cart Gandalf cocks his head to the side and says, “Beyonce, really?”

“What’s wrong with that?” you tell him. “That’s my honest answer. I think she’s more talented.”

“Did you just say Beyonce?” the low level wizard, nu metal beard guy calls out.

“I know, right?” Gandalf tell him.

“That’s just sad,” the low level wizard says before he turns around and walks away. Gandalf takes your enchanted chin merkin off and slips it back into his shopping cart full of cans.

“Wait, did I screw up?” you ask. “Is it over?”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s going to work out with you being the chosen one and all.” He starts pushing his shopping cart away from you. “Good luck and everything…Beyonce? Wow.”

As he disappears out of view you stand there alone, ruminating over the colossal mistake you’ve made and how you’ve wasted your entire life with this one poor decision. For one dark moment you contemplate going back home, writing the lyrics to “Umbrella” on your abdomen, and then hanging yourself. But then you shake off the thought. You get a hold of yourself and calm down. You think, but Beyonce is better, she is! As you’re standing there lying to yourself you notice that one of the food trucks, the one marked Crepes Of Wrath, has jumped the curb and is now coming toward you. The black truck is easily faster than you and mows you over effortlessly. You lie underneath one of its wheels, organs crushed, bones snapped, life leaving you rapidly all the while cursing yourself. Beyonce, Beyonce?! Why? Why! The driver of the truck steps out and you see their boots coming toward you. The last thing you notice before dying is that the driver’s face doesn’t look quite human. There’s something off about it. You stare up at this inhuman face and fade away into the dark. In your head there’s a Rihanna song, “Shine Bright Like A Diamond”.  It’s way better than anything Beyonce has ever done with her entire life. You too, unfortunately.

You have failed in your quest and your misadventure is over.

Scroll up to start over and try again friendo.

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16)

You say Rihanna and out of the blue Rihanna appears and is tremendously foxy when she does appear. She also doesn’t look at all absurd in S and M gear in broad daylight. You realize then that this can’t  be the real, or regular Rihanna, the one that is currently lip-synching to her latest, written-by-someone-else hit on a stage somewhere. This is because her atrocious breast tattoo she got a while back is missing from the doppelganger you’ve conjured up. Also, this Rihanna is equipped with some sort of green energy umbrella that looks like something a Jedi would use on a rainy day. You’re pretty sure regular Rihanna doesn’t have one of those. Nor is she capable of decapitating a low level wizard with said energy umbrella like the Rihanna standing in front of you just has.

The low level wizard’s bloody stumped corpse falls to its knees first then collapses to the ground. Rihanna turns around, gives you a smile and then vanishes.  Gandalf says, “You are now a level 3 wizard, or at least your beard is. Now let’s get something to eat.”

You walk around the low level wizard’s blood soaked body and head and look at the two food trucks parked nearby. Neither of the personnel in the trucks seems to notice or mind the decapitated body sitting just five feet away from where they do business. Gandalf asks you, “Pick the truck we order from?”

What do you do?

17: Pick the white truck, it’s labeled Adventure Thyme with Gin and Cake.

18: Pick the black truck, it’s labeled The Crepes Of Wrath.

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17)

Despite the fact that thyme, gin and cake sound like the worst mixture of things since Milli was paired up with Vanilli (dated reference, nice) you choose Adventure Thyme with Gin and Cake. Gandalf seems to read your mind and says, “I would have at least tried calling it A Brief History of Thyme or something that didn’t have the words gin and cake involved.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking,” you tell him.

“Yeah, I know. I was reading your mind.”

“So what would you like today?”  the cook working the truck asks you. He looks exactly like Nick Offerman when Nick Offerman plays Ron Swanson on Tv’s Parks And Recreation. You look stunned at the uncannily resemblance and the cook picks up on this. “Yeah, yeah. I look like the bacon moustache guy.”

“So you’re not him?” you ask.

“No. I’m a pan-dimensional hyper moustache lord, we all look like this.”

“So is he…”

“Yep, he’s one of us handsome, dimension hopping bastards. So what would you like today?”

“You don’t have any bacon do you?”

He gives you an ice laser stare (figuratively) that could fell a fire giant. Then he says, “Dipshit, this is not a real food truck. This is a gateway that can lead you to the in danger. But in order for me to let you pass you have to tell me what you would like today.”

“And your answer has to be correct,” Gandalf adds.

“Okay,” you say. “I want the in danger.”

Not Ron Swanson gives you a look like you told him that Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of The Crystal Skull was your favorite Indiana Jones movie. “No, wiseass. I’ll give you two choices. Pick the right one and the in danger is yours.”

“And if you pick the wrong one,” Gandalf says. “Then I guess you aren’t the chosen one after all.”

“Okay,” Not Ron Swanson says. “What would you like today? Would you like to be happy? Or, would you like to know the truth?”

What do you do?

19: Say,  “Today, I would like to be happy.”

20: Say, “Today, I would like to know the truth.”

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18)

You and Gandalf walk up to the black Crepes Of Wrath truck. Inside it there is a small cook waiting to take your order. There’s something that doesn’t look quite right about the cook’s face. He looks like an older man, maybe in his early sixties and his face, the skin on his face, looks like it’s made out of paper mache. “I see you’ve acquired the enchanted chin merkin, very good,” he tells you.

At this moment you notice a small bump in the man’s forehead that seems to move on its own. It reminds you of seeing a pregnant woman whose baby is pushing against the inside of her causing the surface of her stomach to stretch out. It’s not what you want to see someone’s face do. You tell him, “We’re hungry and we want the in danger. Can you help with either of these things?”

Gandalf puts his hand on your shoulder and nods approval at the way you’ve handled this. The cook’s face twists into a poor imitation of a grin. “I can help with both, but you’ll have to defeat my champion in wizard battle.”

“Here we go,” you say.

“I call upon Sting,” the cook says.” “In his battle diaper from the 1984 film Dune to be my champion.” Sting, replete in battle diaper, or battle nappy as they call it in the UK, materializes and looks at you in a menacing fashion.

What do you do?

26: Well, the only thing that can possibly take out a battle diapered Sting is a battle diapered Sean Connery from 1974’s movie Zardoz. So you’ll yell that and hope your enchanted chin merkin conjures it into being.

27: It’s Sting, you can kick his ass by yourself.

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19)

You tell Not Ron Swanson, “Today, I would like to be happy.”

Not Ron Swanson smiles big behind his big, hyper-space-time moustache and tells you, “Very well. Good job, kid.”

“Indeed. Happiness, excellent choice,” Gandalf agrees.

You blink your eyes and the next thing you know you’re on a beach in the Florida Keys, Marathon Beach to be specific, and you’re admiring a once in a lifetime sunset. Gandalf and Not Ron Swanson are gone and instead keeping you company is your one true love. And they’re in great shape and both of you are in good spirits. You feel as though you just finished something important and that you’ve done well and that you deserve all the blessings you’ve been afforded. But somewhere, in the back of your mind, you hear a voice whisper, “But only the truth can make you truly happy.” And it occurs to you that this is true. And that you need to discover this truth, because without it your happiness is in danger, somehow.

You realize that you’ll probably never find out this big great holy truth and that you’ll always feel somehow in danger. But that just as true, the search itself will make you happy, even if you always feel you’re in danger of failing your search and coming up empty handed. The fact that you don’t know makes it worthwhile. That fact that you don’t know puts you constantly in danger but it also gives you hope. Besides, the sunset is goddamn glorious and your true love has never seemed more lovely.

You have succeeded in your quest but your misadventure will never be over.

                                                            The End.

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20)

You tell Not Ron Swanson, “Today, I would like to know the truth.”

“Well,” Not Ron Swanson says. “I hope you’re happy.” You blink your eyes and Not Ron Swanson and Gandalf and the food truck and the corpse of the Nu Metal wizard all disappear. There is just you and you’re in large open field that is littered as far as the eye can see with old dilapidated pianos. There are thousands upon thousands of them. It’s like an old, smashed up, falling apart piano Golgotha. And it’s oddly beautiful. Not too far away there’s a man with messy dark hair wearing a really fetching sears sucker suit. He’s laying across the top of one of the busted up pianos and with one hand he’s fiddling with keys and with the other hand he’s holding a Pink Lady apple. Pink Ladies are his favorite.

“Hey, congratulations on getting this far and for picking truth,” he says.

“Who are you?” you ask.

He is me. That is the writer of this whole Choose Your Own Misadventure debacle you’ve hopefully been enjoying. So that’s what I tell you.

“Really?” you ask, maybe a little underwhelmed. “What about the in danger?”

“The wizard lied,” I tell you. “It was just a misspelling. I figured I’d just run with it, I thought it kept things fun and cute.”

“Was this supposed to be a comedy?” you ask me.

“Now that’s a great thing to ask God when you meet him,” I tell you.

“So you’re God?”

“Well, yeah. I mean I created you.”

“What are you talking about,” you tell me. “I just started reading this interactive story because I was bored. I’m not fictional, you didn’t create me. I was here before I read this.”

“Maybe you were, “ I answer. “But then maybe you weren’t. But either way what’s fun now is that since you started reading this you’ve now become, at least in some form, one of my characters.”

“This seems like a bit of a cheap trick.”

“Most assuredly. And it’s not even much of an original one. I stole the idea from Kurt Vonnegut and his book Breakfast Of Champions.”

You sit down on one of the broken down pianos across from me and let your shoulders slump. But then something occurs to you. “But since this is an interactive story, since I chose the direction my character took, doesn’t that make it my story too.”

“Yeah,” I say then bite into my apple. “I guess,” I say the last part through a juicy mouthful. Luckily, I’ve enabled you to speak Pink Lady Apple and understand perfectly.

“So doesn’t that mean if I’m a character in your story then now, since you’ve decided to try and be clever and break the fourth wall and appear here, that you are now a character in my story as well?”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” I say. Although I would never say “I suppose you’re right”. I would probably say, “I guess you’re right” but since I used “I guess” in a previous sentence I figured I’d make myself sound a little more interesting than usual to give the dialogue a bit more flair.

“So that means I’m your God too,” you say.

“Yeah, it’s pretty fucking crazy, right?” I would totally say that if I found out that I’m God and that my creation actually created me and that it was God too. “Good for you,” I tell you. “I would have never thought of that.”

You feel happy with your realization but it only lasts for a brief moment, “Wait,” you say. “But aren’t you controlling everything I say right now?”

“Of course.”

“So didn’t you tell me to say that and tell me to think that I’m your God too.”

“Definitely.”

“But you acted all surprised.”

“Well, I’m writing myself a little dumb here. I find some good natured self deprecation really hides my overwhelming, repugnant narcissism pretty well.”

“Not well enough.”

“And there I go again, aren’t I the worst?”

You look around as I finish my apple and throw away the core. “So, what’s the deal with pianos?” you ask me.

“You want the truth?”

“Well, duh,” you tell me.

“The truth is, only the truth can make you truly happy. Sure, ignorance can be bliss, but it still doesn’t compare to knowing absolutely what the truth is and that  it’s the truth that’s making you happy.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? What does that have to do with the pianos and what is “the truth” anyway?”

“I’m getting to the pianos,” I tell you. “The truth is simple: Without me there is no you, and without you there is no me; and this makes both of us free.”

“Free? But you’re the one telling me what to do.”

“And you’re the one choosing to do what I’ve told you. You created me just as much as I created you.”

“Fine, I guess. So I can just stop the story whenever I want?”

“Yep.”

“But that’d just be you telling me I stopped reading.”

“Or you could just stop reading this mid sentence and walk away I suppose, though if you think about it, your story here really wouldn’t be finished. It’d just be halted.”

“Okay, so I read till the end. The end you choose or I choose you to choose or whatever. Just please tell me about the damn broken pianos, what do they mean?”

“The pianos don’t mean shit. And they’re not broken, they’re dead. I played them to pieces. And I only played them to pieces because no one was listening to my music so I kept trying to play it louder and louder so that someone would have to hear it.”

“What were you playing, what song was it?” you ask me.

“What song was I playing? I was just banging around on chords. I was just making it up as I went along. Some of it was alright, other parts not so much. But it got good right at the end, you know, right before the piano fell apart.”

“If you say so,” you tell me.

You have succeeded in your quest. Your misadventure is over.

                                                             The End

—————————————————-

21)

You walk up to the Adventure Thyme truck. You think, couldn’t they have least tried calling it A Brief History of Thyme or something? Something that didn’t have the words gin and cake involved in it. The Nu Metal beard guy won’t stop staring at you. He’s standing right next to you, smoking his electronic cigarette, while you wait for the cook inside the truck to turn around and notice you as a customer.

Nu Metal finishes his cigarette and strokes his long braided chin mullet. “You didn’t follow the email’s instructions, did you?” he tells you. Before you can say anything some sort of white electric energy pours out of his eye sockets and into you. The pain is beyond comprehension. You fall to your knees and he continues shooting eye lightning into you. He tells you, “This isn’t usually lethal unless someone is dumb enough to get this close to me. You should really listen to advice you get online from anonymous emails more often.”

As the white energy courses through you, eventually taking apart any semblance of a conscious mind with its wave after wave of physical torment, your last coherent thought is this: The cook who operates the truck has turned around and is watching you die in the street, he looks exactly like Nick Offerman when Nick Offerman plays Ron Swanson on Tv’s Parks And Recreation. He looks like him exactly. But he can’t be him? Can he? You stare into Not Ron Swanson eyes paralyzed and dying and he stares back into yours in an indifferent and astonishingly masculine fashion.  And then you die.

You have failed in your quest. Your misadventure is over.  Scroll up to the top and try this puppy again!

—————————————————-

22)

You walk up to the Crepes Of Wrath truck. Inside the truck there is a small cook waiting to take your order. There’s something that doesn’t look quite right about the cook’s face. He looks like an older man, maybe in his early 60’s and his face, the skin on his face, looks like it’s made out of paper mache.

“Where is your enchanted chin merkin?” the odd looking cook asks you.

“What are you talking about?” you ask. At this moment you notice a small bump in the man’s forehead that seems to move on its own. It reminds you of seeing a pregnant woman whose baby is pushing against the inside of her making the surface of her stomach stretch out. It’s not what you want to see someone’s face do.

“You didn’t listen to the email?” the little man with the moving face tells you. At this point the bump on his forehead becomes huge as do several smaller ones in his cheeks and chin. The big one on his forehead becomes a tear and out of his paper mache like skin you can see a large bluish lobster claw. The man’s face detonates and erupting out like living shrapnel are dozens of large blue lobster like creatures. Five or so land on your face and begin tearing it to smithereens. You scream but no one seems to pay attention as the spiderlike legs of the remaining clawed creatures, the ones that didn’t land directly on you in the face explosion, march dreadfully in your direction.

You have failed in your quest. Your misadventure is over. Guess you should have followed the directions of that email or at least read the thing. Scroll up and try again, don’t be that way, everybody makes mistakes.

—————————————————-

23)

You take out the only bill you have on you, an old, crinkled, ten dollar bill and you start trying to crease it straight before insertion. While doing this the lights on the vending machine seem to flicker on and off dimly as if there’s a power surge going on. You put the tip of the bill in and the bill acceptor slowly receives it. About a quarter of the way in it stops and gently pushes the bill back out. Instinctively you push the bill back in. More lights from deep inside the machine start turning on and you hear a low hum emitted from deep within the machine. You get the bill in deeper than before but about half way there the machine rejects the bill again and expels it. Frustrated you take the bill all the way out and start fiddling with it tying to get it straight and crisp. You realize this would be much easier if this was a new bill and it was still crisp and hard.

The lights on the machine start acting up again as you put the bill back in the acceptor. The bills begins to bunch up so you take it out really quick and start pressing it in again over and over. You keep missing and the tip of the bill  connects again and again with the area right above the bill acceptor. You then, for the first time since you started trying to put this bill in to this machine, notice the display screen above the bill accepter. It reads, “Oh my god, stop it stop! You’re driving me crazy. Stop teasing me and just put it in.”

You step back, not sure what to do. The vending machine’s lights start going crazy and you can hear the low hum of the machine start moaning again.

What do you do?

24: No thanks pervy vending machine, I think I’ll turn around and gets to stepping.

25: Get back there, finish what you’ve started, make love to the vending machine and get something to eat dammit.

—————————————————-

24)

You turn around from the rather randy vending machine and there’s a window directly facing you. It looks like a sunny day outside and you decide maybe you’ll go outside and try and get some food. Before you can do so you notice what looks like an enormous billboard just outside the building you work at. The billboard is of Sting, the musical artist, not the Hobbit blade, and it’s from the 1984 David lynch version Of Dune. Sting is wearing a battle diaper, it’s quite fetching. Then the billboard of Sting lurches forward and you realize it’s not a billboard at all, it’s a giant living breathing Sting in a battle diaper from the move Dune.

It occurs to you that the horny vending machine might not have been so bad as Sting’s enormous hand smashes through the window, takes you in its massive palm and then sends you through the air before being swallowed whole by the gigantic and nearly naked tantric British rocker’s mouth. At least with the vending machine, you might have been the one to have got something to eat.

You have failed your quest and your misadventure is over.

Scroll up and try again. Maybe read the email this time and follow its instructions or at least give the vending machine a pity lay. 

—————————————————-

25)

Taking your bill firmly, you run it slowly and delicately across the vending machine’s buttons. The machine is making more noise than ever as you pop a couple of your fingers into its return coin slot. Then you put your bill, now crisp and hard, (well, as crisp and hard as the old, passed around, filthy, strip club visiting, dog-eared thing is going to get) and you slide it into the vending machine’s bill acceptor.

It goes in deeper and deeper. The machine pushes it back out a little bit but then you just slide it back in even further than the last time. The machine is vibrating all over and the low mechanical moan is now louder than a V8 engine. The display screen reads, “Right there, right there. Don’t stop, don’t stop….please, don’t stop…” At this moment it takes your bill completely in. And the shaking machine displays this on it’s screen, “Oh god, I’m going to ***********************************”

The machine stops bucking around and the hum dies down. Smoke starts wafting out of the top of the thing and you stand back and wipe some sweat off your forehead. You hear something drop from the machine and land in the pickup slot. Nervously you open the slot and find a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. You pick them up and are about to leave when you hear something else drop down from the chute into the slot. You open it up, hoping it’s something you can eat. Instead you find a miniature vending machine. A little baby vending machine that somehow, despite being a tiny adorable vending machine, looks like it has your eyes.

The End

You have succeeded in your quest . Your misadventure is over. Scroll up and try again, I recommend reading that email this time.

—————————————————-

26)

You shout, “Sean Connery in his red battle diaper from 1974’s Zardoz”. And Sir Sean Connery does in fact appear in his red battle nappy and he looks furious.

He calls Sting a ponce then proceeds to beat him to death with his bare hands. Sting never gets a single blow in before he falls to the ground with his skull caved in. Connery looks at you, his upper lip snarling up and he exclaims, “There can be only one.” From out of nowhere the Highlander theme song “Princes Of The Universe” begins playing and a large, sharp looking sword appears in Connery’s hand.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEJ8lpCQbyw

“What the hell is happening?” you ask Gandalf.

“I don’t really know, this isn’t even the right movie,” Gandalf tells you.

Connery then takes the old man’s head clean off with one quick slash. The cook inside the truck suddenly starts the truck and drives off leaving you with your champion Connery. “Sorry,” Connery offers. “But you’ll never see the quickening.”

“Is that from Highlander?” you ask before Connery takes your head from off your shoulders.

You have failed in your quest. Your misadventure is over. You should scroll up and giver her one more shot.

Scroll up and try again. Maybe try beating up Sting yourself, or maybe instead of bothering the black truck pick the white truck instead. Just throwing it out there.

—————————————————-

27)

“I don’t need a champion,” you say. “I can kick the King Of Pain’s ass any day of the week.” You march over to Sting whose thin, wiry frame glistens with sweat and tantric energy.

“Don’t stand so close to me,” he tells you.

“Oh, come on,” Gandalf the wizard says. “That was terrible.”

“You want to call the police,”  you tell him. “You’re going to need the backup.”

“Great,” Gandalf says. “Now you’re doing it too.”

“I don’t need any help, this is murder by numbers, and I’m not the king of pain anymore, I’m a demolition man!” he spits the last of it and then leaps at you. You punch him directly in his gigantic forehead and he goes down faster than a homely runner up for prom queen with low self-esteem. As he collapses unconscious you stand over him and look at the cook inside the Crepes Of Wrath food truck.

“So where is our food and where is my in danger weapon thing?” you ask him.

“The in danger thing, don’t you think that’s a bit of a MacGuffin?” the cook asks.

“Sure,” you tell him. “But you know it’d still be more satisfying if I at least knew what it was.”

The cook says, “Look, here’s some crepes, don’t ask what kind because they’re your favorite.” He hands a plate to you and Gandalf. He’s right. The crepes are delicious, and you try not to look at the cook’s weird paper mache face as you eat because it might spoil your appetite. The guy gives you the crepes. (Yuck, yuck)

After eating almost the whole thing you remember something, “So what about the in danger.”

“Oh, yeah,” the cook says. “I don’t have it.”

“You don’t have it?” you ask.

“Yeah, I never said I did. I merely told you that I could help you find it.”

“Fine, where is it?”

“You picked the wrong truck. You should have gone to the Adventure Thyme truck.”

“Okay, let’s walk over there,” you say.

“We can’t,” Gandalf says. “That truck drove off while you were knocking out Sting.”

“So what was the point of that battle if you didn’t have the in danger?” you ask.

“The battle was for the crepe. I can’t very well just give those things away, now can I? Besides, I really wanted to see someone hand Sting’s ass back to him.”

You have failed in your quest. Your misadventure is over.

Well, at least you didn’t die. Good job, guess you might want to try that other truck.

Scroll up kid to start again.