FILM: PORN PARODIES

Let me fill you in on a little secret: Porn is really, really weird.

Sure, pretend you didn’t already know that—at least if your girlfriend is still in the room. You would think a genre that celebrates the sexual value of everything from interesting orifices to (staged) incest couldn’t get any weirder. But that’s just because you haven’t seen these parodies yet. All of these are real and Rated X, as you can imagine.

SPONGEKNOB SQUARENUTS

You would think that simply revisiting the things you loved as a child would be enough to wreck them for you. Have you tried to sit through an episode of Power Rangers lately? But some things—like Spongebob—do hold up. So the porn industry has to come in and make sure to actively fuck them for you (puns henceforth intended).

Not only is the subject possibly the creepiest porn-parody ever, the “male” lead’s makeup is more reminiscent of a guy who’d flash you on the subway than either a hunky fantasy man on the one or a passable Spongebob.

Which, I’m sure, is exactly what some portion of the population that I’d rather not meet is looking for.

SPIDER-MAN XXX

If there was ever a franchise ripe for a porn parody, it’s Spider-Man.

Because the main character’s costume looks like a colorful gimp suit? Because the whole thing gets kicked off with some inter-species S&M? Because the hero shoots weird, sticky, white liquid?

No. Because Gwen Stacy and Mary Jane Parker are two of the hottest babes in comic-book history, and porn—both a source, and a result of, perpetual adolescence–fits the superhero genre as snugly as full-body latex.

It may not get you off, but this reboot(y) of the franchise is a hell of a lot more interesting than watching Andrew Garfield for two hours.

And if it does get you off, the studio behind Spider-Man XXX has apparently produced a title that would have completely dominated this list if it had been released yet: She-Hulk XXX.

WHORE LORE

You’ve got to hand it to the porn industry: it leaves absolutely no potential market (or ass) untapped.

Why should fantasy-geeks try to force themselves to get off to your everyday, “normie” porn, things like “nasty preggo lezzes out at ultrasound” or “let’s all just agree to pretend this 38-year old meth addict is barely-legal” when they could head to Whore Lore (formerly World Of Whorecraft), slap some elf ears on that meth addict and bury their sword deep in her silken scabbard!

PRON – THE XXX PARODY

The PrOs of PrOn? Black-light-tape-enhanced bras, the geekiest looking beef-cake ever (who I am now officially naming as porn’s Andy Samberg) and better special effects than the original Tron, if not the recent sequel.

The cOns? It suffers grievously from not starring Olivia Wilde. Or for that matter, actual Andy Samberg.

But then, doesn’t all porn suffer from not starring Olivia Wilde?

PG PORN

What would porn be if you stripped it of all the nakedness (and most of the naughtiness)?

It would be funny, at least if it were PG Porn, the sex-free way to enjoy erotica in mixed company. Okay, not that mixed of company. This stuff still isn’t SFW, unless your boss doesn’t mind hearing a woman purr things like “by ‘big tool’ do you mean your penis?”

Heavy on the parody (and vanishingly light on the porn), this may not be any sexier than your average collegehumor.com photobomb, but it won’t make you feel as dirty, either.

I mean as you do after reading collegehumor.com.

Don’t you people have any shame?