This week, we figured we’d take a moment to answer a question we get a lot. Namely, “Ken and Ariel, what’s your ‘type’”? It’s a good question, because it does seem that everyone has a certain type of person that they’re inexplicably drawn to, like the Millennium Falcon caught in a sex tractor beam.
And yeah, I just invented the term “sex tractor beam.”
To be brutally honest, we’re not all that discriminatory; if someone’s breathing, willing, and has enough cab fare to get us as far as Chelsea, we’re in. But there are certain “types” that can sway us more readily than others. For entertainment purposes (and to subtly put the vibe out to any would-be suitors), we’ve each narrowed our lists down to the five types of people that we will always, without question, want to sleep with. And here they are.
The Five Types of Women Ken Will Always Want to Sleep With.
Tall Women: At six-foot-plus (and worth the climb), I’m usually seen in the company of women a lot shorter than me. To the point that I often feel like a slightly more masculine version of Dorothy from the “Wizard of Oz,”shuffling among the munchkins. So finding myself at eye-level with a woman of similar stature almost automatically gets me weak-kneed. It also gives me a chance to drop my favorite pick-up line, “Hey, our kids could play for the Celtics!” At least before she cockpunches me into unconsciousness.
Women Who Wear Glasses: Maybe I’ve had one too many “taught a lesson by the evil but smoking hot librarian” fantasies in my youth, but when I scan a bar or party or the line-up of soccer moms at the local playground, the women in glasses get the immediate seal of approval from Dr. Bradford Michigan. Which is what I’m calling my penis this week.
Women With Arm Tattoos:
If they’re also into dry humping, cheap booze and being escorted off planes for refusing to wear pants, even better.
Women With a Thing for Classic Literature: I once asked a woman out immediately upon hearing her make reference to Jay Gatsby. It wasn’t until later that I realized she was talking about her mailman, who happened to be named “Jay Gatsby,” and not the hero of Fitzgerald’s novel. But she had a really nice ass and let me go down on her regularly, so I figured, whatever.
Women Who Appreciate Old School “Doctor Who”: I get it. You love David Tennant’s hair, think Matt Smith is cooler than cool, and still get choked up over Rose Tyler and Amy Pond. But if you can debate Jo Grant vs. Sarah Jane, think Sylvester McCoy and Ace were grossly underrated and have at least one favorite Colin Baker episode, then I invite you to come at me.
The Five Types of Men Ariel Will Always Want to Sleep With
Guys Who Haven’t Been to Prison: Although, even if they had, what exactly were the crimes? I mean, if it was shoplifting, petty larceny or some white collar scheme, I could work with those.
(Read: does he have a penis?)
Guys Who Are Gainfully Employed: That said, if they’re “in-between jobs,” I understand. Or if they’re unemployed artists or musicians or jugglers, they have to pursue their craft. I get it. So I guess I’m flexible on that one. (Read: does he have a penis?)
Guys Who Don’t Still Live at Home: But is it a really nice house? Does it have a separate entrance? Is he a saintly type looking after his aging parents? All valid questions, IMHO. (Read: does he have a penis? That’s not detachable?)
Guys Who Don’t Have a Substance Abuse Problem: I guess I should define “substance abuse.”
Are we talking Nicolas Cage in “Leaving Las Vegas”? Charlie Sheen on a good day?
After all, he’s kinda salvaged his career, right? (Read: does he have a penis? Is he breathing?)
Guys With a Penis and a Pulse: MARRY ME! *swoon*
Need wildly impractical sex advice? From English majors? Send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org or visit kenandariel.com. If we answer yours, Ariel might just show up at your place with a bottle of cheap booze. And her lawyer.