Dating. It sucks. I don’t know anyone who likes it. And when it comes to dating in Boston I’ve noticed that things have a tendency to take a turn for the weird rather quickly. Guys, I know sometimes girls can turn out to be a bit bonkers—especially girls like me who habitually come home a little drunk around 4 a.m. with a rip in her jeans and a half eaten Fenway sausage in her purse (whatever, you totally ate the rest in the morning). But seriously, there are a few fellas who have come and gone in the past few months that have me throwing my hands up in the air in frustration, and there are some issues that really need to be addressed.
1. When we go out, God help you if you don’t know how to tip our bartender or server. I would rather not have to duck back into the bar and leave another twenty on the table because you’re trying to save a few bucks. I don’t care how hot you are, you’re a jerk.
2. WHAT is with the peeing on my stuff? We have all been there, drunk as a skunk and in some strange bed. However. Why am I waking up to you peeing on my futon, my desktop computer or my bookshelf? Is this what I have to look forward to the next time you come over? One guy even peed in my cat’s litter – after all the rest I guess I should be grateful that he made it into a piss box of sorts.
But seriously, lose my number, pee on it, whatever.
3. Lose the mangina. We all love good conversation, but I also don’t want to hear about your ex-girlfriends, how many kids you want, your issues with your family, or other mangina-y things.
Grow a pair bro, this is Boston. We don’t have feelings.
4. I don’t give a shit about how many pull-ups you just did at the gym. I can already see that you hit the gym, because I like to touch your muscles. What I don’t like is to scroll through my phone and lose ten pounds because you are trying to impress me with a step-by-step walk through of your workout.
5. Speaking of muscles, I hate to be that girl and point out that the first thing I notice about a guy is his appearance. It’s generally true, but often a sense of humor and a nice smile can overpower things like being shorter than me, bad haircuts, funny dancing, fist pumping and silly bedazzled t-shirt wearing. (Okay, not fist pumping, good God.) What size shirt is that, bro? I can literally see your nipples. Wanna see mine? Good, stop being a douche-canoe and get a grip, because it’s almost Valentine’s Day and I need someone to roll over and help me out with the rest of that sausage.
Take that as you will.
LIZZIE’S LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES, AND YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IN HER BAR HAVOC COLUMN AT DIGBOSTON.COM